C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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How To Promote Your (Useless) Product Using No Budget

Thursday, February 7, 2008

It is a well-known fact that consultant's clients are not that clever in marketing their own stuff. Most probably they just woke up from bed one day and.....

Dumb@55: Hey.. let's invent something and make a fortune out of it!

Clever Friend: Wait a minute..how do you know they will sell?

Dumb@55: Don't worry..we hire a marketing consultant. They'll surely find a way!

Clever Friend: Gee..you're right! Let's get the R&D runnin'! (Started thinking on changing his name)

These people started to locate some VCs to fund their project, but of course, being a useless product, they'll never secure one.

VC: I don't think there's a demand whatsoever for the product you're inventing. You're wasting my time.

Dumb@55: I'll take that as an insult to my intelligence and 'positively' take that as a challenge.

Dumb@55 Friend (formerly known as Clever Guy): We'll fork out our savings to pursue our goals. There's no reward without risk. We're risk taker.

And so they went broke because the R&D cost more than what they expected (stupid inventions needs endless corrective modifications) and their remaining budget is only left for promoting the product.

Dumb@55: Ok, let's start promoting it. Any good marketing consultant you know?

Dumb@55 Friend: Gobloc Insulting is the best. I heard the guy running it is filthy rich. Must be very successful. (Considering changing back his name)

Fortunately, I'm notorious for guerrilla (read: cheap-skate) marketing, so we took the project.

Dumb@55: We borrowed 2mil from our relatives who sold off all their real estate properties to fund the marketing expenses for this product.

Me: I'm sorry, your budget is only sufficient for my profit margin. Therefore the product will have zero budget for actual promotion.

Clever Friend (previously Dumb@55 friend): But you still can promote it right?

Me: Depends on how far are you guys willing to go to promote...

Dumb@55: We've risk loosing our entire family tree for this project. Go figure.

Me: Good. Now...Your product, along with you, will get international exposures, endless discussions and eternal place in the history. And..did I mention we're promoting it on Television?

You gotta be kiddin' man..With zero promotion budget?

Me: I'm THE Black Zedd. I'm dead serious. Now get me some plain T-shirts. Print your product name on them. Put 'em on and follow what these people are doing:

Me: In order to get the best return out of the zero sum you're spending, strive for comments like these:

Dumb@55: Got it! You're a genius! (considering changing his name)

Me: Good luck. And don't forget to subscribe to my feed for more brilliant marketing tactics. Or stumble and digg this advice to share with other sorry 'inventors' like you.

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hehe. i enjoyed watch the AI audition especially She Bang by William Hung. before, i had watched his full clip video. and i think he's cute and adorable. ahaks :p

It cost money to buy the t-shirts. Don't forget the expense on printing the words on them as well! Promoting is serious business!

I would not be so cheap if I were you, 2 mil only for your margin ? :-)come on, the guy might still be able to find few bucks and actually give you the T-shirts and you would have to do some work :-)

Ayumi, it seems talent is no longer necessary in entertainment. Hung managed to succeed by only using his [ ] (fill in the blank according to your perception)

MarketingDeviant, my bad, it wasn't zero cost promotion. Anyways, false 'free' is the way to attract nowadays..

BizGiftGuru..you're right. Why did I sell myself short??!! I need to learn more from you..

Hi Zedd,

Interesting read. Well done. It always amazes me how clear and to the point you are on your topics. I should be learning more from you.

Sorry to have different points of view. At the time I read this entry,I was focus more on the person who are DUMB. Not only how they sell their dumb product..but how they sell their DUMB idea themselves..

Good job Zedd,you are success in giving "DUMBER" idea to both "DUMBS"!

Jmarzo, thanks. To be clear and concise, you just need to get away from any Public Relation personnel.

@lienz, you're absolutely right. Sometimes 'inventors' being so optimistic, they dismiss all reasonable criticism as 'challenges' or 'barriers to success'..without even realizing that the idea is simply...absurd.

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