C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
a satirical blog about our corporate world

Advertising To Children: What Ethic?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Your mother must have told you, back then when you were  little “Don’t talk to strangers”. It’s a classic advice. Children are susceptible- they’re easily tricked, they lack a good sense of judgment, and can be emotionally driven by their desires.

Which is..


..for businesses to target. Marketers have tried to exploit the vulnerabilities of these younglings, but since they're not allowed to talk to strangers, it seems, at first glance, the chances to court them are pretty slim.

Luckily, there’s this electronic box that can quickly transform itself into a powerful subliminal hypnosis machine- it’s called TELEVISION. And we know children love TVs a lot. And they're easily swayed by nice advertisements.

There are so many ways we can get into their family’ wallet- as proven by the $600 billion sales children under 12 influenced years ago. Television is a hell good example. You’re never a stranger once you’re on air.

Stamp your brands earlyEven if your businesses are not selling children-related items, advertising to children is still awesome because exposing your brands to young kids are like sowing the seeds of loyalty- they’re going to grow up being acquainted with your brand name. 

It can court unsuspecting kids, capitalizing on their emotionally-driven judgment, and lure them into fulfilling your desire.

If you’re already advertising to children, congratulations. You have the same characteristic with a pedophile.

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How To Reduce Employees Absenteeism

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Employees skip the day at the office for various reasons. The problem is, some of those reasons are valid and legal. We can blame the employee union for that, but of course you need a lot of cash and a link with a Sicilian family to make them shut-up (or disappear).


Your employees can call in sick. Or cite family reasons. Even worse, they just tried to call it a day and you fell for it- thus voluntarily giving them the day off. Or you’re just one of those incompetent managers that managed to land the job because you’re somebody’s nephew, and you don’t command any respect. Your people took turns to go AWOL. Whatever it is, the problem of absenteeism must be stopped.

You can give your employees incentives to come in and work.

But no. To pay people to do the job they’re paid for in the first place is much worse than bribing. Furthermore your company is a cheapskate- which explains why they’re so demoralized to come in, so what makes you think you can get the budget allocation?

So try these approaches instead:


Send all employees to boot-camp

This is no ordinary training or seminars. Provide ‘motivational’ slideshows about the economic crisis and how companies are laying people off. How inventions and innovations are mushrooming all over the place, how automations will lessen the need for human workforce.

How consultants (me!) can unearth (non-existence) efficiency problem in companies and suggest retrenchment to improve the bottom-line. How vulnerable employees are, compared to companies. It will forever alter their perspective- they’ll shift into survival mode and embrace presenteeism.


Scrap the monthly wage system

And introduce a strict, pay-by-the-hour system. Even nature-calls will be deducted from their salary. So they can’t blame you for salary deduction. If they’re not paid, it’s because they didn’t work. Fair isn’t it? You’ll experience a slight spike in your OPEX, but with more people in doing their work, you’ll get the return sooner than you expect.


Hire a full-time doctor

This is a classic solution taken to a new height. Don’t use panel doctors and clinics, instead, hire an in-house doctor, make him/her the ONLY doctor that can award sick leave for your company.  Then, deduct the doctor’s salary according to the number of sick leave  given to your employees.


Introduce shift rotation

You may well heard about this one. But it’s a bit different. All people will work during the regular hours, but introduce a night-shift specially for absent employees. Whatever their reason is, absenters will have to replace their day off with a compulsory graveyard-shift.

The later the shift starts, the better it will improve their determination to make it to the office. You can also hire a homeless to spook the office during the night shift- an excellent reminder to keep your employees away from being absent.

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Being Bold Or Being Stupid?

Monday, November 24, 2008

There's a fine line separating stardom and mediocrity. When you're in a situation that can propel you to be treated as a star by your company, being bold is the only decision you have to make. But wait. Being bold can also mean being stupid!

Be Bold!

When you're in a meeting, you try to get into the radar. You, being bold, interject with all your manliness, and begin to raise your salient point one by one with your face beaming with confidence.

But not realizing that you're being stupid, everybody shook their heads in disbelief, responding that the point you've given is too obvious to be raised in the meeting- everybody already knows about them.

Be Bold!

When you're one on one with your boss, you'll try to project your true quality. Being bold, you try to be honest and disclose your discontent with the way he manages certain stuff in your department.

You only realize that you're being stupid when you found out a couple months later your boss didn't gave you any raise, all your peers are being promoted and you're always stuck in the fringe of all your boss's favorable decisions.

Be Bold!

During one of your inter-department errands, you saw your CEO or company director nearby and quickly notice an opportunity to impress the generals. Being bold, you approached him, introduce yourself and try to have a friendly chat with him.

But unbeknown to you, you're actually being stupid- he responded with "you should spend your time more at your desk, this is not a shopping complex"

Be Bold!

When having to face your client/customer with a bad news, you decided to get straight to the point and tell the truth. Being bold, you explain what went wrong and how he/she is affected.

You knew it that you're being stupid when the customer hurls you with every possible unpleasing adjectives, starts calling you names, continuously banging the table and blaming you like hell- where in fact you have nothing to do with this mess apart from just conveying the news.

Be Bold!

When you need a new challenge in your career, you realize it's time to move on. Being bold, you tendered your resignation and accepted a promising job in a new and unknown company- hoping to be a key player in the company's rise.

You know you're just being plain stupid- 3 days into your new work, all the promises given to you suddenly seem too good to be true, your workplace is a mess, your colleagues are all unqualified, your boss is a jerk and your head is filled with "My former company is way better than this! I should have stayed there!".


Pathetic, isn't' it? So what separates being bold from being stupid? It's called 'do it'. So play it safe. If you're thinking of being bold- don't do it. Being a mediocre is better than being a regretful failure.
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Need More Time!!!!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Ah... Time management. Another crapoholic term that will chime in your head every time you enter the meeting room...half an hour late. Most of the time you're too preoccupied, the word 'deadline' is no longer defined in your dictionary.

Let's cut to the chase. These are some of the significant time-wasters in your work that you can eliminate..if you have the balls.

Finding the parking spot
Your pride with your bling-bling ride is gone once you find out that looking for parking spaces are like searching for a needle in a haystack- time is not on your side. The fix requires cycles: recycle your car at the scrapyard and get a motorcycle or a bicycle or a tricycle.

Average people walks 18,000 steps per day. Can you imagine how much time is wasted during these walks? Here's how to spell the solution to this problem: R. U. N. Y. O. U. C. O. U. C. H. P. O. T. A. T. O.

Caffeine fix
Hanging out in the pantry might be as delicious as your coffee, but stop wasting time. Buy a pack of Red-Bulls and you'll save ample time. And oh, the side effects will shorten your career in the long run too- early retirement!

To write a report is one thing. To READ BACK THE REPORT is another. Now every time you've finished the pointless report your boss sent you to do, use Text Aloud to let the computers read it back to you.

While you reluctantly write another overdue report you owe your boss.

Submitting the report is not the end of it. There are times when you'll be sent back to do corrections, and correcting your report is like redoing the same task again- a waste of time indeed. If this happens often......find another job using a lower qualification. You'll make less mistakes.

Boss's lecture
Yes. It's one of the leading culprit behind your lack of time. Now treat your boss like this and watch him letting you go the next time you screw up.

Do you really need your co-workers? Do you really want to have a conversation with them? If you think you can't live through the day without speaking a word to your colleagues, you need to know more about web 2.0. Can solve the 'walk' problem too.

Yes I've covered them before, but unfortunately it's only applicable to top managers. Now simply, if meetings are the thorn in your flesh, start a fight with everyone in your next meeting. Be super obnoxious. For sure you'll not be invited next time.

Reading emails

If you don't have a Blackberry, it's a mixed blessing. Even you're free during your time off the office, this means you have to entertain every single message from your desk. To reduce waste of time, forward this post to your pathetic forward-crazy friends and save tremendous time going through your emails.

Requesting help from other departments
This is a pain in the @ss. All those explaining, begging and even to a point, whoring, consumes lots of time just to get a simple thing done. To reduce the time taken, don't use the phone to communicate with them. Use email, and CC every message to their boss, their superiors, the General Managers, the CEO and subsequently the board of directors, the minority shareholders, the minority shareholders' watchdog, and the newspapers.


Well...to be honest, following only the last step should be more than enough. Now you'll have more time. To read blogs!
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How To Make Consumers Spend More

Monday, November 3, 2008

The current economic crisis dealt a huge blow to consumer spending, where sizable drop in demand was recorded all around the world. When the public cuts back on spending, consultants like me will be on the wrong end of the domino game, thus taking the biggest hit.

Therefore it's only logical for me to recommend steps to encourage consumers to spend more. It's not that the lack of demand stops our clients from using our service. It's because they think it's wiser to keep using us and default on payments. Clever eh..

So let's look at how we can move the market out of this recession and make consumers spend spend spend..in light of the current economic mess.

Use extensive fear in advertising

Fear is a well-known theme for advertising. Often associated with health-related products, now its appeal is applicable across a wider group of product. You only need a simple statement like the following:

If you're not buying this product because you want to save money, your company can also stop employing you for the same reason. Think again. Save the economy. Buy more.
You can also use graphical descriptions about being jobless and starvation. Pick a third world country and start from there.

Tell them everything is for the sake of saving money

This fever should be more widespread. Tell the consumers everything they'll buy is for the sake of saving money. It should be extended to those luxury goods. Economic value will always work in this economic mess.
"Stop wasting money buying useless wealth statements (like a fake Rolex). Buy a Mercedes."

Let them pay later

With the advent of credit cards, consumers have an established reputation in "Shoot first, ask later" attitude. Translation: buy first, pay (regret) later. So revamp your financial strategies to raise more working capital: give your consumers credit facilities even for the smallest item. Works great if you tie this move with the next point.

Always bundle everything

You should always bundle your products together. Instead of selling a single unit, you should now sell in a package of say...10. And tell them "save more when you buy more". In this trying time, only the first 2 words matters to the consumers.

See my other devious retailing tactics.

Use emotional motivation

When people are upset (no one is happy during economic downturn), they'll become emotionally-charged and will find ways to cheer up. At least that explains the box office trends during both economic boom and slump. You should re-brand your product as a psychological answer to this state of depression.

"Don't worry. Eat ice-cream. Lots of them."

"Shopping is a well-known therapy."

"Money is the root of evil. Learn how to let go. Spend. All of them."

Blame them

...for blessing this ridiculous Laissez Faire system in the first place, despite them being constantly on the weaker side of the table. This is the time for those anti-free-trade zealots to go to the public with banners like:
"We're the cause of this fall. Now we have to fix it.
But these zealots have to do a better job this time. Because as you can see, their protests all this while are just futile.
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