The 8 Things About Job Advertisements

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Hey we're hiring, so here are the snippets of our job opening ads in the newspaper (and what they really mean):

(Curious about the job title? Read them here)

1. 20 positions available

But the truth is, we only need one, the rest is for the impression that our business is indeed growing.

2. Looking for dynamic, highly-motivated individual

'Dynamic' means adaptable, multi-talented and flexible. Because our cost-savvy approach results to the candidate landing a single job title but doing the jobs of another 10. Who can survive this with a thin layer of motivation?

3. Able to work under pressure

Peer pressure because he'll be poorly paid compared to his peers (hired during the good 'ol days), top-bottom pressure because having to work under idiot boss (who happens to be a relative of the director), and high-blood pressure from disorganized eating patterns (who likes to have dinner alone in the cubicle at the office anyways?).

4. Training will be provided / willing to learn

We'll give you the search term for you to google and you can learn during your time outside the office. We'll send you for training courses as long as it's free, so don't expect them to be useful.

5. Able to work independently

The working condition is so bad everyone in the department had already left. Sorry, no one for you to depend on.

6. Willing to travel

Everyone is a salespeople. Regardless of the protests. Go meet our client outside.

7. Possess attractive personality

Sluts will be prioritized. Gollums need not apply.

8. Attractive remuneration package awaits successful candidates

'Attractive' is the word you use to attract candidate to submit application. As successful candidate is already considered attracted, the use of this statement is to ensure only candidates who are stupid enough apply for the job (otherwise they'll leave the company too early).

Oh and did you know that we're an equal opportunity employer too?

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How To Make Your Company A 'Green Company'

As a marketing consultant firm, it's our job to help our clients gain competitive advantage through clever use of branding, promotion and any other marketing tools. Yawn.

Okay, I'm here to help them gain more profits by hallucinating the hostile public into being a staunch supporter of corporate greed. Because what the public worries about are the polar bears and sun-bathing spots by the seashore, being a 'Green Company' can uplift your company's pathetic image from satan to saint with this 5-point action plan:

1. Green job
Tell the public you're recruiting more people responsible for making the Earth greener. Advertise them. Interview them. But yes, only hire the janitors and the cleaners.
2. A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned
Have a publicized budget for green initiatives, brag about how much the fund has been expanding for a couple of years and slip it back into your company's coffer after that, little by little.
3. Turn from paper into power
Reduce the usage of paper. Instead, store all your company's materials in a well backed-up hard disk in redundant paranoia chains of server farm- which will cost more trees to keep them operational. But what the hell. It's a good stunt, just don't forget to publicize the move.
4. Luxury they can't afford
Start cutting harmful materials from your distribution chain, saving money while making your customer pay for their part in making the earth greener. "We're not using paper bags/plastic bags - bring your own", "We're reducing the carbon footprints- drive and pick up your own stuff from our factories" and things like that.
5. The de facto reason
Since we need plants to produce and cars to travel, human breathing within the natural carbon equilibrium had its priority shifted, therefore we can say human is badly contributing towards the green house emission. So reduce the number of people you employ. Make the smaller number of staffs multitask and work overtime. Rationalize the move to them. You'll make more money and meet more unhappy people. 

But mother earth will be damn proud of you.

Just what the earth needed..

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Modern Corporate Office: Introducing EGILT!

As part of my company's expansion effort, I've summoned my head of Human Resource and laid out my plan for a new office building. As much as it is a trend nowadays, I've stated my desire to attach a catchy name to the building, just like what Google (Googleplex) and Apple (One Infinite Loop) did.

After dozens of suggestions from my top lieutenants, which was made possible using this on-line name generator, I, finally, calmly and unsparingly rejected all those suggestions and came out with my own name for this new base: EGILT.

 Artist rendering of EGILT

Now...EGILT is not just another office. It's a new-generation-cookie-cutter office. It will have all the bells and whistles of a modern corporate workplace.

1. EGILT will carry a minimalist concept, as I'll be using art as an excuse to minimize the budget for furnishings and fittings.
2. EGILT, on the inside, will have huge open spaces and high ceilings, because we'll be using an abandoned warehouse on the outskirt of the town, where the rent is cheap (just in case the owner is still interested about the building and shows up).
3. EGILT will have dozens of TV rooms, laundry services and sleeping compartments, because I expect my staffs to 'feel just like at home' and live there.
4. EGILT will have a spa, a gym and in-house doctors, so that my staffs will have less excuse to fall sick and skip work. 
5. EGILT staffs wear casual clothes all week, to blur the line between work and play so that it becomes work and work.
6. EGILT will serve gourmet meal and have kitchen-on-demand, so that my staffs will never have to leave the office even for entertaining clients.
7. EGILT will have extended playgrounds and camping spots, so that my staffs can bring along their children and attach "along with work" to the "family first" concept.
8. EGILT will have recreational facilities like a wall-climbing hall and a bowling alley, so that my staffs will still come and spend their weekend in the office.
9. EGILT will be free from internal-combustion cars and staffs get to ride on cleaner natural-gas buses, so that I can have more control on where and when they'll leave the office.
10. EGILT will use solar panels and clean energy, because it's the only PR stunt that is covered by governments incentives and tax-break.

With this array of paraphernalia, EGILT will surely be a on the list of 'best offices to work in'. It will attract so much hype and popularity that people will line up to work for my company.

But EGILT is so much cooler, it will up the ante and become not just a dream 'office to work in', but also 'an office to die in'.

And what's the meaning of EGILT you wonder?

It's Electric Grid Insect Light Trap, a major source of inspiration in designing this ultimate office. An office that will attract people to die in, without them realizing or willing.

Now with free shipping!

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Sustainable Stupidity

Can we really achieve sustainability?

Who invented this superfluous word anyway? Because wherever I go and whatever I read today, environmentalists, revolutionists, economists and even the dentists are talking about making something sustainable.

Take the automotive industry for example. We rant about the smoke and the CO2 they're puffing into the atmosphere and the gallons of hydrocarbons they're guzzling from the earth's crust...prompting fear that air pollution and energy crisis will degrade the environment until it's unsustainable for future life.

So to promote ecological sustainability, the like of Teslas created electric-powered car, and the like of Toyotas are promoting hybrid engines.

What the heck?

Electric cars uses electric, generated mainly from the filthy dirty coal that's more harmful to the environment. And if Hybrid electric motors can lessen the need for oil, why mate it with to a 5000cc engine that's more than enough to drain our petroleum reserves on its own?

I can has a hybrid motor? Coz' ma' 5-litre engine iz not enuff.

Now how about creating a sustainable workplace? Talking about your home away from home (wether you like it or not) and making your office life sustainable can make you happy and paycheck rolling for the long run. But..

What the heck?

Corporate strategists have long been advocating the saying "Change Is Good" because deep in their heart they knew it: no company can survive without change, and no change happens without risks. And no gain can be achieved without pain.

Guess who's ass is at risk when the next merger, reshuffle, diversification or retrenchment take place?

It's yours. Never mind you make friends, communicate well, reward your staff or whatever silly emotional chores you did to make your professional life sustainable. Because sustainability never work collectively. Everybody- directors, peers, managers, subordinates, they only care for their own ass.

*****

The only thing that's sustainable throughout human history (since the day 1 of human creation if you're a believer) is greed, selfishness, self-centered paranoia and possessiveness. Something that will surely kick out the 'green' habit or whatever rubbish we talk about when creating something sustainable, in the near future.

The verdict for these 'Sustainable' bullshits?

Marketer 1 Life 0

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Viva la Publicité

It’s the tenth anniversary of the movie Fight Club, the one where Brad Pitt stars as an all-knowing anti-advertisement communist who makes ‘hitting the bottom’ looks cool enough.

I’m a fan of this mind-twisting flick, simply because it conveys a meaningful message, the message that strikes through our unconscious stream of societal standards, peer regulation and the recycle bin of rationalism.

White-collar working class is manipulatable.

I’m sure ‘manipulatable’ isn’t a word, but then we can easily manipulate the fact so that you’ll believe it is.

If desk-cubicle-photocopy-coffee is your everyday combo, is it possible that..

• You want to work someplace else, but your needs strapped you tight with your current company.
• You always wanted to look for a higher salary, but but you can’t risk your current paycheck.
• You’re always on the hunt for newer fashionable stuff and swap your cell phones faster than your underwear.
• Your monthly financial commitments (loan repayments, gym etc.) leaving you eating less than what you desire.
• You don’t own any real estate property.

If most of those things sound like your cake, then you’re working in a job you hate buying things you don’t need….therefore:

Advertising is your Buddha.

Advertising tells you what to buy and how to wear and when to snort. If you don’t fall for it, your peers and your family will. If you refuse to oblige, they will judge you. If you won’t comply, they’ll force you to confirm.

Together, you’re subjected to a social standard, set as a result of cumulative hallucination by advertising that collectively targets all the people in your life, making a large peninsular of opinion that you must attach your tiny island of personality to. As a result, you will confirm to this standard, and embrace advertising as your divine orientation.

Is this bad for you? Not really.

You are not special. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We’re all part of the same compost heap. We’re all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

So you’re just fulfilling your role, in style. Still, unlike what the movie tries to tell you, you have choices. Be a slave of advertising- or subject yourself to the communist. In a way, apart from they both consider Che’ Guevara cool, they both will make you feel stupid.

 

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