The 8 Things About Job Advertisements

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Hey we're hiring, so here are the snippets of our job opening ads in the newspaper (and what they really mean):

(Curious about the job title? Read them here)

1. 20 positions available

But the truth is, we only need one, the rest is for the impression that our business is indeed growing.

2. Looking for dynamic, highly-motivated individual

'Dynamic' means adaptable, multi-talented and flexible. Because our cost-savvy approach results to the candidate landing a single job title but doing the jobs of another 10. Who can survive this with a thin layer of motivation?

3. Able to work under pressure

Peer pressure because he'll be poorly paid compared to his peers (hired during the good 'ol days), top-bottom pressure because having to work under idiot boss (who happens to be a relative of the director), and high-blood pressure from disorganized eating patterns (who likes to have dinner alone in the cubicle at the office anyways?).

4. Training will be provided / willing to learn

We'll give you the search term for you to google and you can learn during your time outside the office. We'll send you for training courses as long as it's free, so don't expect them to be useful.

5. Able to work independently

The working condition is so bad everyone in the department had already left. Sorry, no one for you to depend on.

6. Willing to travel

Everyone is a salespeople. Regardless of the protests. Go meet our client outside.

7. Possess attractive personality

Sluts will be prioritized. Gollums need not apply.

8. Attractive remuneration package awaits successful candidates

'Attractive' is the word you use to attract candidate to submit application. As successful candidate is already considered attracted, the use of this statement is to ensure only candidates who are stupid enough apply for the job (otherwise they'll leave the company too early).

Oh and did you know that we're an equal opportunity employer too?

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How To Make Your Company A 'Green Company'

As a marketing consultant firm, it's our job to help our clients gain competitive advantage through clever use of branding, promotion and any other marketing tools. Yawn.

Okay, I'm here to help them gain more profits by hallucinating the hostile public into being a staunch supporter of corporate greed. Because what the public worries about are the polar bears and sun-bathing spots by the seashore, being a 'Green Company' can uplift your company's pathetic image from satan to saint with this 5-point action plan:

1. Green job
Tell the public you're recruiting more people responsible for making the Earth greener. Advertise them. Interview them. But yes, only hire the janitors and the cleaners.
2. A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned
Have a publicized budget for green initiatives, brag about how much the fund has been expanding for a couple of years and slip it back into your company's coffer after that, little by little.
3. Turn from paper into power
Reduce the usage of paper. Instead, store all your company's materials in a well backed-up hard disk in redundant paranoia chains of server farm- which will cost more trees to keep them operational. But what the hell. It's a good stunt, just don't forget to publicize the move.
4. Luxury they can't afford
Start cutting harmful materials from your distribution chain, saving money while making your customer pay for their part in making the earth greener. "We're not using paper bags/plastic bags - bring your own", "We're reducing the carbon footprints- drive and pick up your own stuff from our factories" and things like that.
5. The de facto reason
Since we need plants to produce and cars to travel, human breathing within the natural carbon equilibrium had its priority shifted, therefore we can say human is badly contributing towards the green house emission. So reduce the number of people you employ. Make the smaller number of staffs multitask and work overtime. Rationalize the move to them. You'll make more money and meet more unhappy people. 

But mother earth will be damn proud of you.

Just what the earth needed..

see more Comixed

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Modern Corporate Office: Introducing EGILT!

As part of my company's expansion effort, I've summoned my head of Human Resource and laid out my plan for a new office building. As much as it is a trend nowadays, I've stated my desire to attach a catchy name to the building, just like what Google (Googleplex) and Apple (One Infinite Loop) did.

After dozens of suggestions from my top lieutenants, which was made possible using this on-line name generator, I, finally, calmly and unsparingly rejected all those suggestions and came out with my own name for this new base: EGILT.

 Artist rendering of EGILT

Now...EGILT is not just another office. It's a new-generation-cookie-cutter office. It will have all the bells and whistles of a modern corporate workplace.

1. EGILT will carry a minimalist concept, as I'll be using art as an excuse to minimize the budget for furnishings and fittings.
2. EGILT, on the inside, will have huge open spaces and high ceilings, because we'll be using an abandoned warehouse on the outskirt of the town, where the rent is cheap (just in case the owner is still interested about the building and shows up).
3. EGILT will have dozens of TV rooms, laundry services and sleeping compartments, because I expect my staffs to 'feel just like at home' and live there.
4. EGILT will have a spa, a gym and in-house doctors, so that my staffs will have less excuse to fall sick and skip work. 
5. EGILT staffs wear casual clothes all week, to blur the line between work and play so that it becomes work and work.
6. EGILT will serve gourmet meal and have kitchen-on-demand, so that my staffs will never have to leave the office even for entertaining clients.
7. EGILT will have extended playgrounds and camping spots, so that my staffs can bring along their children and attach "along with work" to the "family first" concept.
8. EGILT will have recreational facilities like a wall-climbing hall and a bowling alley, so that my staffs will still come and spend their weekend in the office.
9. EGILT will be free from internal-combustion cars and staffs get to ride on cleaner natural-gas buses, so that I can have more control on where and when they'll leave the office.
10. EGILT will use solar panels and clean energy, because it's the only PR stunt that is covered by governments incentives and tax-break.

With this array of paraphernalia, EGILT will surely be a on the list of 'best offices to work in'. It will attract so much hype and popularity that people will line up to work for my company.

But EGILT is so much cooler, it will up the ante and become not just a dream 'office to work in', but also 'an office to die in'.

And what's the meaning of EGILT you wonder?

It's Electric Grid Insect Light Trap, a major source of inspiration in designing this ultimate office. An office that will attract people to die in, without them realizing or willing.

Now with free shipping!

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Sustainable Stupidity

Can we really achieve sustainability?

Who invented this superfluous word anyway? Because wherever I go and whatever I read today, environmentalists, revolutionists, economists and even the dentists are talking about making something sustainable.

Take the automotive industry for example. We rant about the smoke and the CO2 they're puffing into the atmosphere and the gallons of hydrocarbons they're guzzling from the earth's crust...prompting fear that air pollution and energy crisis will degrade the environment until it's unsustainable for future life.

So to promote ecological sustainability, the like of Teslas created electric-powered car, and the like of Toyotas are promoting hybrid engines.

What the heck?

Electric cars uses electric, generated mainly from the filthy dirty coal that's more harmful to the environment. And if Hybrid electric motors can lessen the need for oil, why mate it with to a 5000cc engine that's more than enough to drain our petroleum reserves on its own?

I can has a hybrid motor? Coz' ma' 5-litre engine iz not enuff.

Now how about creating a sustainable workplace? Talking about your home away from home (wether you like it or not) and making your office life sustainable can make you happy and paycheck rolling for the long run. But..

What the heck?

Corporate strategists have long been advocating the saying "Change Is Good" because deep in their heart they knew it: no company can survive without change, and no change happens without risks. And no gain can be achieved without pain.

Guess who's ass is at risk when the next merger, reshuffle, diversification or retrenchment take place?

It's yours. Never mind you make friends, communicate well, reward your staff or whatever silly emotional chores you did to make your professional life sustainable. Because sustainability never work collectively. Everybody- directors, peers, managers, subordinates, they only care for their own ass.

*****

The only thing that's sustainable throughout human history (since the day 1 of human creation if you're a believer) is greed, selfishness, self-centered paranoia and possessiveness. Something that will surely kick out the 'green' habit or whatever rubbish we talk about when creating something sustainable, in the near future.

The verdict for these 'Sustainable' bullshits?

Marketer 1 Life 0

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Viva la Publicité

It’s the tenth anniversary of the movie Fight Club, the one where Brad Pitt stars as an all-knowing anti-advertisement communist who makes ‘hitting the bottom’ looks cool enough.

I’m a fan of this mind-twisting flick, simply because it conveys a meaningful message, the message that strikes through our unconscious stream of societal standards, peer regulation and the recycle bin of rationalism.

White-collar working class is manipulatable.

I’m sure ‘manipulatable’ isn’t a word, but then we can easily manipulate the fact so that you’ll believe it is.

If desk-cubicle-photocopy-coffee is your everyday combo, is it possible that..

• You want to work someplace else, but your needs strapped you tight with your current company.
• You always wanted to look for a higher salary, but but you can’t risk your current paycheck.
• You’re always on the hunt for newer fashionable stuff and swap your cell phones faster than your underwear.
• Your monthly financial commitments (loan repayments, gym etc.) leaving you eating less than what you desire.
• You don’t own any real estate property.

If most of those things sound like your cake, then you’re working in a job you hate buying things you don’t need….therefore:

Advertising is your Buddha.

Advertising tells you what to buy and how to wear and when to snort. If you don’t fall for it, your peers and your family will. If you refuse to oblige, they will judge you. If you won’t comply, they’ll force you to confirm.

Together, you’re subjected to a social standard, set as a result of cumulative hallucination by advertising that collectively targets all the people in your life, making a large peninsular of opinion that you must attach your tiny island of personality to. As a result, you will confirm to this standard, and embrace advertising as your divine orientation.

Is this bad for you? Not really.

You are not special. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We’re all part of the same compost heap. We’re all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

So you’re just fulfilling your role, in style. Still, unlike what the movie tries to tell you, you have choices. Be a slave of advertising- or subject yourself to the communist. In a way, apart from they both consider Che’ Guevara cool, they both will make you feel stupid.

 

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Powerful Words In Marketing

Part of the marketing process is marketing communication, which involves direct selling or advertising copywriting. These form the showdown- the crucial window of opportunity for you to make your prospective customer act.

A sad truth is that human is so easy to deceive. Even more saddening is only 1 choice of word is enough to get the job done. Even more and more saddening is this is not a secret: traditionally marketers have been using these words for their financial gains, but these word still work, and I bet it still will even millenniums from now.

Basic Literature presents to you, the most powerful words in marketing:

Discounts

Sales lines like ‘price-cut’, ‘now cheaper’ and ‘sale’ can really  work. Consumers quickly recognize the deal as valuable- admitting by purchasing the item will make them ‘smart consumer’.

“By buying this stuff right now for $50, I save $20!”

A classic deception- consumers will spend more to save more. Business wins.

Free

‘Free! With a purchase of [product]’ or ‘ get another on free when you buy now’ is a popular way of writing-off obsolete stock. No matter how rubbish the free product is (of course they are, otherwise we’d sold them before), the term ‘value’ will transform the consumer into a systematic free-loader.

I don’t care if it works, as long as I get something for free…it’s a value deal.

Limited

Using ‘for limited time/place only’, coupled with the call ‘hurry-up!’ are very good to produce a state of hysteric paranoia, associated with having to face the possibility of out-of-stock disappointment.

“Oh no! What happen if I’m too late? Better grab it first before it’s too late.”

This type of thinking makes the customer ‘act first, think later’ which demonstrates the success in increasing sales of crappy products. Combined with a call-to-action tools like telephone number, it will multiply the probability of action taken by the prospect after being exposed to these words.

Guaranteed

‘Money-back guarantee’, ‘No-Question asked policy’ plant the perceptions:

“I don’t have anything to loose if I buy this”,

“there’s no risk at all since I can return this”

…..in the consumer’s mind. Given the fact that marketers including physical retailers still use this word in the business, so few customers actually ever return the stuff the bought. Why? Because the regret they get after buying it will not be enough to persuade them through the hassle of returning the product.

Proven

Most of the time, it’s not like some credible third-party auditor with a systematic study that certify the product as ‘proven’. More often it’s the in-house, trivial experiments with intolerable standard of error that back up the claim saying the said product has been proven to work.

However, the word is powerful since it actually deliver the message into the consumer’s mind that

“hey somebody has been using it before me, so what the heck.”

With additional lines like ‘try it yourself!’, your sales will jump tenfold.

Immediately

The word like ‘immediately available’, or ‘ready stock’ make consumers think that the product can be rapidly available for consumption which means the time needed for them to face the moment of truth (to the claims about the product) has been shortened.

Hey I can quickly use the product in a matter of minutes!

…even though the result may take several months to show up, it doesn’t matter. Because at the end of the day, ‘impulse’ decision is the only reason why so many products are sold.

*****

Well…the bottom line is, consumers are always influenced by impulse decisions in purchasing goods and services.

The words listed above are the fuel for the impulse flame.

 

Read also:

Retailing: Clever Tactics Targeting The Not-So Clever

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How To Handle A Stupid Boss

Yes it is possible that your boss is a hard-worker, he stays back every day. He can be a great communicator- he speaks with charm, and have a boatloads of charisma, his bosses and superiors adore him.

But at the same time, it is also possible that he’s stupid. He can’t get even a simple job done on his own. He’s incompetent in the technical sides of everything, repeating the same mistakes every time. He’s a slow learner, repetitively questioning your work unnecessarily, insisting he’s right over and over again.

And at the end of the day, he’ll take all the credits, unbeknown to his superiors that your boss is nothing without you.

And I understand how this annoys you. Your work becomes 10 times more complicated, the arguments and repetitive briefings mean it took longer time to finish even the simplest tasks, and it all ends up with him getting the compliments.

As usual, you can stop this.

 

Let his superiors know…

Plant time bomb in your work

In your report, plant some intentional errors that he, because of his naivety, won’t detect. Let’s hope the report gets submitted to his superiors and they notice the mistakes and tick him off for submitting a report full of flaw…which obviously proves that he’s incompetent, or someone else is doing his job and he didn’t bother/know how to check.

 

Sabotage his meetings/presentation

If you prepare materials for his meetings and presentations, always leave crucial but basic information out of his slides, files or notes. When he’s in the middle of the meeting/presentation, he’ll come to a complete halt because of those omitted simple facts. This will publicly prove that he doesn’t have even the basic knowledge, and will trigger an inquisition into his past work and credibility.

 

Stamp at footer and docs info

If he repetitively take credits for everything you do, stamp your work documents with ‘prepared by [your name]’ in places he’ll find it hard to edit. In Word’s documents for example, type your name in the footer. Even better, in PowerPoint's slide, use the slide master.

 

Let him know…

Quietly submits application for training on his behalf

Apply, quietly for him, for basic training courses (How To Use Microsoft Office) or other classes deemed only suitable for complete noobs and beginners (like him). Look at how he’ll sit back and wonder whether he actually needs the training and struggles to rationalize the reasons he doesn’t need one.

 

Flaunt your credentials everywhere

Use your cubicle as your gigantic resume: hang your professional certificates,  technical credentials, your academic achievements..anything that speaks you’re technically more qualified than him in every single way possible.

 

Always use jargons to speak with him in public

He’ll struggle to keep up with the technical side of the conversation, and will try hard to prove to the others he knows what he’s talking about, looking like an idiot all the way.

 

Let’s hope this combo of awareness will neutralize him out of your way- let’s hope he’ll learn some respect for you.

……Just don’t forget to abuse that respect as a revenge.

 

You should also read: How To Handle Your Raging Boss

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How Corporate Practices Can Change The World

The decision by Maggie Whitman, former C.E.O of EBay and the poster girl for corporate women, to run for the Governor of California splits the opinion poll. Can a woman fix one of the world’s largest economy?

 

What’s interesting is how her supporters are pulling behind her track record- how she managed to fix the company and grow it tenfold. The consensus among them is that if you can fix corporate organizations, you can fix anything. After all it’s all about management isn’t it.

So let’s see how we can use the corporate methodology to fix the world.

 

Global warming: The buzz that struggles to gain momentum

The global warming is a hype that, although spreading like a wildfire, tends to be put off quickly. So, in order to enhance our message for the long run, we should let the environment deteriorate so that the people can get the actual feel of the effect.

We should save all the money from those ineffective promotional stunts for the restoration work, which will garner a more effective support from the public. It’s a more efficient strategy.

Strategies involved: product demonstration, budget allocation strategy

 

Energy depletion: The struggles to pick the alternatives

Debates after debates can’t resolve the million dollar question: which alternative is the best? Proponents of different alternatives (like solar, nuclear) continuously discredit each other.  By us being skeptical to one another, the depleting conventional energies won hands down. Let’s suppress the skeptics. 

Give free demo samples to the public to test themselves- hand out mini-plants powered by the alternatives like solar panel and the nuclear mini reactor, to power their homes. Let the people decide based on their experience.

Strategies involved: free samples, crowd-sourcing

 

Terrorism: The affect of being terrorized by the terror threat

Today, terrorists would just have to issue a public threat, sit back, and let the paranoid response from the public do the damage. To quell this phobia, let’s organize an intensive press releases- let’s tell the world that we’re not afraid of terrorism, they’re our friends, we’re mutually benefiting entity.

Strategies involved:  PR damage control, branding and positioning

 

The plagues (AIDS, H1N1): The effort to increase action taken

Let’s infect random people in a wide range of geography. Let the public be the vector- for both the disease and the message. This is an effective way to capitalize word of mouth where the patients, as a walking endorser, can reach a wider audience.

It’s more credible and wide-targeting than any paid advertisements can do, so let’s hope it will persuade more actions.

Strategies involved: Word-of-mouth marketing, endorsement tactics

 

Economy- Light at the end of the tunnel

The current economy, in optimism speak, is the dark tunnel with the light at the end of it. But the problem is, the light is in the opposite direction. We’re more and more into the mess the more we progress.

Well, it’s obvious that the corporate world can’t fix the economy. Because it’s the cause of the fall in the first place. So, step back, and let the government fix it. Only they can do it now.

Strategy involved: Bankruptcy protection

 

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Don’t Let Your Subordinates Steal Your Job

The ugly side of being a manager is the ratio of people fighting for your job.

You alone : All your subordinates

As the probability of you being an awesome manager is remote, therefore I conclude that you’re not competent enough to be the best person for the job compared with your subordinate.

But wait. Don’t succumb to the vanity mirror. Here’s how you can reduce the probability of you being replaced by your star subordinate.

 

Restrain them - Reinforce fear

Motivation is yesterday’s tool. Don’t motivate people to polish their performance, or your top management will soon realize you’re outshined by your subordinate. Use fear instead to keep them going, so that they’ll perform just to be in the safe zone, not the ‘excellent’ zone.

 

Break them - Discourage teamwork

As I’ve mentioned earlier, a well-organized team will lead to a well-organized resistance. You’re too weak to face that. Break them apart. In a meeting, they should only talk to you. They shall not work in pairs. If possible, they should work in different floors. Or different country. Whatever necessary.

 

Weaken them - Be vague

Don’t be precise in your orders.  Give hints, not directions. Train them to read your mind. Next, change your mind often. This way, in the event of failure, your management principle is not to be blame, because you have none. You can now blame your subordinates for their lack of apprehension in the way you work.

 

 

Spy them - Select your clandestine agent

Quickly pick your favorite among your colleagues and promote them as your sarjeant-at-arms. This person must be, or, have the potential to be, your most loyal fan in the department. This person will be your eyes and ears, in the office wherever you’re not around. This person is your department’s Secret Police, so you’ll know any plan for coup-d’etat and eliminate the threat before the Operation Valkyrie commence.

 

Discourage them - Keep your succession planning public

You should analyze your subordinates according to the threat they posed to your position. In ascending order, list down your preferences of successor. The least threatening subordinate will be the top progeny in your succession planning. Your most threatening rival will know he/she doesn’t stand a chance to be promoted and will call it a quit, literally.

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Re-observe The Labor Day

Oh..It’s the time of the year again for laborers to get their ‘well-deserved’ break again. Yeay. It’s labor day. Although other countries might call it International Worker’s Day, The May Day, The Worker’s Day, Holiday of National Labor, Day of Labor, The Day of Spring and Labor…however crappy the name is, it’s a day to celebrate.

But not here in my company. They don’t get my blessing to go on leave today, despite the usual demonstration, rally, march, parade and other anti-capitalist-like events.

Not like before. Exactly 365 days ago when I wrote about labor day I gave the day off to my employees, but things have changed so much then, the break is no-longer relevant. The tides have changed. The economy is going down badly, employment is a scarce commodity. Company owners like me has a bigger bargaining power right now, so employee unions are relegated to the has-been this very day.

We’re a beaten superman. Why unions are our kryptonite.

The bullish market, which was doing so well until the crash, has stumbled. With companies struggling with their balancing act in this economy, we don’t need disruptors. The employee union can be one. They’ll fight for whatever they see necessary with no conceivable limit.

Take the United Auto Workers (UAW) for example. They paralyzed the big three’s coffers with their stupid demand for retiree’s pension and healthcare treatment. How such a large union can cross the stupidity boundary continues to amuse us, but it seems that the following is true:

2 brainless heads is stupider than one.

That, coupled with the tipping point theory:

When something reaches certain level (the tipping point), the momentum for change becomes unstoppable.

When greed (and stupidity) passes along the ranks and proportionately becomes greater with the number of union members, it will become unstoppable at one point. It will reach the stage where any employee union can effectively run the respective company through blackmailing. They’ll command everything their way with the help of the legal strike.

The problem lies when they’re not the owner of the company, thus they don’t have the sense of ownership and the responsibility to sustain it for the long run. They’ll skim every possible benefit from the company until it’s out of shape, and when bankruptcy is the only viable option guess who’s the loudest kvetch?

The union.

So right now we need stability and the peace of mind to get us on our foot again. Emotions are running high, negativity is in the air. Stupidity is everywhere. To prevent the stupidity from reaching the tipping point and hence being a controlling force, we must disable the medium. WE MUST NOT ENCOURAGE unionized workforce.

So get back to work. No labor day celebration this year. More power to the capitalists like me!

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A Thank You Letter For Employees

 Dear employees,

It’s been a while since I personally write to all of you, but this time around, the times are tough, I thought you guys need a lift in spirit. I’m writing this to inform you guys how thankful I am to have such a supportive and strong workforce under my wings- we’ve proven we’re able to fly through thick and thin.

First of all, thank you for sticking with this company. Even when you know we’re facing difficulties in sustaining our existence, you’re being a complete sport. Thank you for taking the pay cut. Thank you for not protesting the massive layoff we did in the recent months. Not that you have any choice, I guess being employed slave-like is much better than being unemployed, but anyway thank you very much.

I would also like to thank you for working very hard. Yes, so hard, even our board of directors noticed our achievements. Without your effort, I couldn’t afford the congratulations on my job well done. I couldn’t afford the millions of bonuses I got, I couldn’t afford the ‘savior’ status I was commended.. I even couldn’t imagine being in this Gulfstream jet (Mauritius is gorgeous!). Thank you again. You’ve sacrificed a lot to make all this possible- all while working in a harsher and poorer condition.

Again, I would like to thank you guys for being professional. I know it’s so hard to control your emotions during these hard times- all the uncertainties in the economy, the changes in the country, the morale of the society. Even though you’re mad only because you’re assigned twice the workload (from your unfortunate laid-off peers), and you have to work twice as hard, under half the budget (because of the massive cost-cutting), thank you for not rioting in front of the building, and thank you for keeping my courtesy Mercedes S600L scratch-free.

Please continue keeping your hands off my baby.

Furthermore, I would like to express my outmost gratitude to you for being desperate. I know without desperation, none of any sane being would continue to work for this company, under this challenging condition, with very potentially unfortunate circumstances (more details in the following paragraph). Thank you.

Lastly, thank you for being gullible- for believing this letter is indeed a thank-you note. For feeling appreciated. For feeling more motivated. Because by you feeling so, it’s easier to tell you that we will not give any bonus payouts this year, we are not done with the lay-offs, we will undergo more cruel budget cuts. All this just so that the company continues to have enough cash to honor my sumptuous compensation package.

Whatever it is, please remember we’re in this mess together. You’re neck-deep…. while lifting me up high and safe.

Thank you.

 

Your C.E.O.

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The Corporate Duel: Women Vs Men

We’re approaching an era where female may outnumber male in the the population figure, so empirically it’s a matter of time before we’ll see more woman command the top seats in the chain of commands.

 

But suffering from persistent sexism, prejudice and discrimination from the incumbent side of the gender war, can women uphold the natural selection and dominate the top position in the corporate world?

Basic Literature investigates Men Vs Women as a management personnel.

Women are emotionally unstable

Mood swings associated with menstrual pain, menopausal effects and other natural feminine instincts are affecting women and women alone. Expecting professionalism from women may be more difficult than from their male counterpart.

Men doesn’t have those medical reasons to bug them, so they can think straight and professional. They solve problems faster- through table-banging, chair-throwing and fist-fighting. They’re not emotional. Just physical.

Ah..the ever notorious Taiwanese Parliament..

Women need more leave days than men

Maternity leave is a constant nightmare for HR strategists. The fact that this lengthy break is protected by the labor law, coupled with the usual parental desire to have kids, mean there’s no walk-around to this apparent shortcoming of having woman in managerial positions. They can be missing during the most crucial times- and worst of all they’re still being paid.

Unlike women, men doesn’t have to go through these lengthy leaves, so men availability is much more reliable- a critical issue in any managerial position. Instead of taking a silly long break, men prefer to have short bursts of emergency leaves especially on Mondays and any other day they feel like not going to work.

Women’s commitment lies at home.

Traditionally it has been women who played the crucial role in managing the day-to-day operation of the family. They’re so good at them that this role is inherited from mother to daughter throughout the centuries. When the kids start to give trouble at home, mothers are more likely to respond because ‘it’s the nature’.

Men, meanwhile, doesn’t have this commitment limiting their movements. So they can focus more on the job at the office- which includes sexual harassments, love triangle, extra-marital affairs, cheating, adultery, two-timing, double-crossing..things that require them to ‘commit’ more time at the office.

 

Women will always fight against the odds

Historically, men always perform better than women as leaders. Look here:

What’s the similarity among these great people: Alexander The Great, King Leonidas, Achilles, Napoleon and Genghis Khan? Well, they’re great warriors and it’s obvious none of them are women.

Now, what about these people: Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Suharto? Well, they’re all famous leaders, but for the very wrong reasons.

Oops..And they’re all men.

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How Companies Can Respond To The Crisis

I hate to play around with this issue during this unfortunate time, but I’m part of the ‘What You See Is What You Write’ concept. Open the newspaper and every 10 out of 10 articles in the business section will have negative words about the economy being used.

“Halp…..”

So, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll now look into how companies can react to the state of this economic recession.

 

Integration

Involves acquisition of other organizations.

In this time, credit will be tight, so humongous spending like this would be very difficult to maneuver. So no, this strategy is useless.

 

Penetration

Working the ass to penetrate the market more. Multiplying the sales of the same product to the same market.

Nay. With employees morale at the bottom, no one wants to do more of the same work.

 

Development

Develop new product for the same market or new market for the same product.

Absurd. The investment to develop new product or entering new market will take years to start paying back. In this time, as jittery shareholders analyze companies' financial performance on a quarter-to-quarter basis, this idea of a strategy is nonsense.

 

Diversification

Get involved in something new for the company.

Too risky. Company would not have the necessary experience to play around with new unrelated business…with their plummeting coffers. Dismissed.

 

Retrenchment / Divestiture / Liquidation

Shrink the size of the company either through lay-offs, partial sale of company or complete selloff.

The only group of strategies which will require less investments, provide quick return, remove excess baggage, lessen the responsibility, silent the internal pressure, all while delivering the effective message for employees to step up their effort.

The drawbacks? Well..with this strategy, more people will be out of work, the social well-being will deteriorate, the economy will worsen…but wait..those have got nothing to do with the company.

So yes. This is the only strategy that will work in the current state of economy. Well of course other strategies will work too, but with the squeeze companies get from the economy today, being greed is the only option feasible.

So retrench, lay-off, let-go, cut down, reduce, trim, bring down..whatever the word is- it’s not what the economy needs, but hey..if you care about other people, join a charity. Not a corporate company.

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Your Company: Grow Them Big or Stay Small?

I know you must’ve been to dozens of seminars about thinking big, being a mega-oligarch, growing a business empire, IPO, internationalization, globalization, Fortune 500, Forbes Billionaires- and you’re now dreaming of sitting back in your Rolls or Maybach, taking phone calls conforming your billions of dividends, on your way to your yacht somewhere in the Riviera.

If the scenario above fits your dream, then you’re one of those suckers I’m about to address in my KISS principle:

Keep It Small Suckers!

You see, once your company has an employee base the size of a decent republic, and your offices are scattered across different continents, and your ticker symbol is on the main board, and a whole crap of people who are not related to you in any way are being appointed in the Board of Directors, the stakes will be too high for you.

You have to stay in control with less power, while continuously watching your back trying to achieve the impossible, all at the expense of yourself.

 

You have to stay in control…

With so many assets at stake, so many decisions to make, so few people to trust, this is where you’ll try to hold onto as much power as you can. You’ll try to be involved in every decision making process, try to be informed of every internal and external changes.

So many inputs to digest and so many multi-million decisions pending, your personal life will be relegated to the fringes- so is your family, your vacation, your health and your retirement.

 

With less power..

This is the state where you have to let go your control bit by bit and surrender them to the democratic power of the stakeholders- your employees, capitalists, governmental agencies, the public and other watchdogs.

This is the state where anarchy will oust you from power in 24 hours. This is where you actually letting go your company to someone else.

 

While watching your back…

With your revenue size comparable to the GDP of a developing country, you’ll be under the scrutiny of the corporate United Nations. Every decision you make will be analyzed by those securities commissions and the watchdogs to ensure you’re not hiding behind the corporate veil for your personal gain.

But with so many decisions to make through different corridors of powers, the chances of you screwing up would be big, so big you have to hire a whole law firm to bail you out.

 

And strive for the impossible…

With so many people to please, you’ll be skating on a thin ice. A small discontent would snowball into an anarchy. A displeased little napoleon would result to an economic blockade.

This is where you have to be as diplomatic as possible, sometimes with the help of a trick called ‘bribery’ just to keep every plan in motion smoothly and keep the stakeholders calm.

 

At the expense of yourself….

With your key divisional figureheads working in different time zones, this is where you have to literally stay awake at all time to communicate with them. And because there’s always something to communicate every nano-second in a mega corporation, you’ll have no rest until you Rest In Peace.

 

*****

Starting a company small is good. But growing it to be super big, hoping to sit back, retire early, enjoying your pay-check.. all while being the de-facto owner…. it’s too much of a dream. Because the stakes would be too high for you to play around.

So if you’re still thinking about growing a Fortune 500 company, this is how your dream should be: You’re standing in front of your Board of Directors, taking fire questioning your huge salary, on your way to the hospital for a bypass surgery. And all in your head, at that time, is: “will they remove me from office while I lie unconscious on the operating table?” And the only response to your question would be:

“I don’t care…as long I’m not behind bars”.

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10 Best Excuses for Late Arrival

Oh no! You’re late for work! What should you tell the green monster a.k.a. your boss? Luckily you found this list- the undetectable lies to save you and your sorry career.

Skip this list if you have the skills above..

1. Stomach/head ache
2. Traffic jam/accidents in your neighborhood / flat tire / car breakdown
3. Your shoe’s heels broke off and you have to go back home to change.
4. One of your children was trying to skip school and you went around looking for them.
5. Your neighbor doesn’t like your company and decided to sabotage your car.
6. You fought with your wife after she accused you of being a cheater. You decided not to stay back at the office again.
7. Acute case of sleepwalking- you woke up some 15 miles from your bed and took some time to walk back home
8. Being intimidated by a road bully, you had to break down and cry for a while.
9. You took the wrong turn at a junction and only realize it when you’re back in front of your house.
10. You’re not motivated enough by your current salary.

Ok, now that I’m done updating my blog, I have a good excuse on why I’ve been late in doing so. It’s because I’m too busy making money consulting my corporate clients to do some ‘cost-cutting measurements’. Of course it’s a funky way to say ‘firing people’.

I’m back to make sure your career is safe. And just so you know, I’ve changed the template of this blog to be more friendly on your eyes. After all, even your company won’t be this friendly to you- not in the state of the current economy.

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How To Secure Your Job

Citigroup last month announced one of the biggest layoff ever recorded- slashing 52,000 jobs. With a total of 220,000 people stopped receiving their paychecks from the financial sector alone, everyone working in banks, insurers and investment/trading institutions is now vulnerable.

If you think you’re in a different sector and you’re now safe, it’s safe to conclude that you’re not. The job cuts in the financial sector is not even half of the total 1 million layoffs made this year- so basically whatever sector you’re in, you’re in the hot soup. And we’re all aware that this is no chicken soup.

Frightening, I know. But don’t go berserk. Here are some Black Zedd’s tips to secure your job:

1. Steal your company’s money and hide them

   You have a greater advantage if you work in the accounts’ department. Make sure you can divert a huge stash of the money and hide it somewhere in the Cayman Island. Tell your employer that retrenching you will cost more now.

2. Print a fake offer letter from your competitor

   And convince your boss that every other ailing competitors see you as a savior. It will make them rethink any decision to let you go.

3. Report you boss’ wrongdoings

   There’s lots of things you can report to lots of parties. Your boss arrived late in the office, he’s having an affair, he’s incompetent, he skipped a meeting for no reason..well, nobody is perfect.

   Just pick a crime and report them to any of the following authority: the CEO, BOD, the shareholders, the labor union, the industry’s watchdog, the labor office or the press.

   Or let’s be safe. Report everything to all of them. Hopefully he’ll be out of job before suggesting your name first.

4. Hire a hacker to erase employees data

   Offer rewards to those who can hack into you company’s database and erase all employee data. This should leave your employers clueless about who to retrench, and will give you more time to ‘reset’ your reputation and work your ass off.

5. Kidnap a member of the HR director’s family for a ransom

   There’s no guessing what you’ll ask in exchange: your unconditional employment for the next [insert number] years.

6. Get involved in a car accident

   And thank heaven for the various discrimination policies that’ll prevent you from being fired while sick (check with your state laws first). This is only useful for smaller companies which will not let you go for the sake of ‘restructuring’. See here.

7. Get arrested and remanded

   ..for a crime you didn’t commit. Conspire with your neighbor, for example, to launch an anonymous fake report about you doing something unlawful.

   Pick a crime that will take ages to investigate. If your company tries to let you go, cry foul of discrimination. By the time you’re out of the lockups, hopefully the dust has settled and your job is safe. Even if you’re laid off for getting arrested, you can sue them, with cost, for punishing you based on a crime you didn’t commit, tarnishing your good name and causing mental anguish. Retirement fund. Yay.

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Advertising To Children: What Ethic?

Your mother must have told you, back then when you were  little “Don’t talk to strangers”. It’s a classic advice. Children are susceptible- they’re easily tricked, they lack a good sense of judgment, and can be emotionally driven by their desires.

Which is..

..for businesses to target. Marketers have tried to exploit the vulnerabilities of these younglings, but since they're not allowed to talk to strangers, it seems, at first glance, the chances to court them are pretty slim.

Luckily, there’s this electronic box that can quickly transform itself into a powerful subliminal hypnosis machine- it’s called TELEVISION. And we know children love TVs a lot. And they're easily swayed by nice advertisements.

There are so many ways we can get into their family’ wallet- as proven by the $600 billion sales children under 12 influenced years ago. Television is a hell good example. You’re never a stranger once you’re on air.

Even if your businesses are not selling children-related items, advertising to children is still awesome because exposing your brands to young kids are like sowing the seeds of loyalty- they’re going to grow up being acquainted with your brand name. 

It can court unsuspecting kids, capitalizing on their emotionally-driven judgment, and lure them into fulfilling your desire.

If you’re already advertising to children, congratulations. You have the same characteristic with a pedophile.

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How To Reduce Employees Absenteeism

Employees skip the day at the office for various reasons. The problem is, some of those reasons are valid and legal. We can blame the employee union for that, but of course you need a lot of cash and a link with a Sicilian family to make them shut-up (or disappear).

 

Your employees can call in sick. Or cite family reasons. Even worse, they just tried to call it a day and you fell for it- thus voluntarily giving them the day off. Or you’re just one of those incompetent managers that managed to land the job because you’re somebody’s nephew, and you don’t command any respect. Your people took turns to go AWOL. Whatever it is, the problem of absenteeism must be stopped.

You can give your employees incentives to come in and work.

But no. To pay people to do the job they’re paid for in the first place is much worse than bribing. Furthermore your company is a cheapskate- which explains why they’re so demoralized to come in, so what makes you think you can get the budget allocation?

So try these approaches instead:

 

Send all employees to boot-camp

This is no ordinary training or seminars. Provide ‘motivational’ slideshows about the economic crisis and how companies are laying people off. How inventions and innovations are mushrooming all over the place, how automations will lessen the need for human workforce.

How consultants (me!) can unearth (non-existence) efficiency problem in companies and suggest retrenchment to improve the bottom-line. How vulnerable employees are, compared to companies. It will forever alter their perspective- they’ll shift into survival mode and embrace presenteeism.

 

Scrap the monthly wage system

And introduce a strict, pay-by-the-hour system. Even nature-calls will be deducted from their salary. So they can’t blame you for salary deduction. If they’re not paid, it’s because they didn’t work. Fair isn’t it? You’ll experience a slight spike in your OPEX, but with more people in doing their work, you’ll get the return sooner than you expect.

 

Hire a full-time doctor

This is a classic solution taken to a new height. Don’t use panel doctors and clinics, instead, hire an in-house doctor, make him/her the ONLY doctor that can award sick leave for your company.  Then, deduct the doctor’s salary according to the number of sick leave  given to your employees.

 

Introduce shift rotation

You may well heard about this one. But it’s a bit different. All people will work during the regular hours, but introduce a night-shift specially for absent employees. Whatever their reason is, absenters will have to replace their day off with a compulsory graveyard-shift.

The later the shift starts, the better it will improve their determination to make it to the office. You can also hire a homeless to spook the office during the night shift- an excellent reminder to keep your employees away from being absent.

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Being Bold Or Being Stupid?

There's a fine line separating stardom and mediocrity. When you're in a situation that can propel you to be treated as a star by your company, being bold is the only decision you have to make. But wait. Being bold can also mean being stupid!



Be Bold!

When you're in a meeting, you try to get into the radar. You, being bold, interject with all your manliness, and begin to raise your salient point one by one with your face beaming with confidence.

But not realizing that you're being stupid, everybody shook their heads in disbelief, responding that the point you've given is too obvious to be raised in the meeting- everybody already knows about them.


Be Bold!

When you're one on one with your boss, you'll try to project your true quality. Being bold, you try to be honest and disclose your discontent with the way he manages certain stuff in your department.

You only realize that you're being stupid when you found out a couple months later your boss didn't gave you any raise, all your peers are being promoted and you're always stuck in the fringe of all your boss's favorable decisions.


Be Bold!

During one of your inter-department errands, you saw your CEO or company director nearby and quickly notice an opportunity to impress the generals. Being bold, you approached him, introduce yourself and try to have a friendly chat with him.

But unbeknown to you, you're actually being stupid- he responded with "you should spend your time more at your desk, this is not a shopping complex"


Be Bold!

When having to face your client/customer with a bad news, you decided to get straight to the point and tell the truth. Being bold, you explain what went wrong and how he/she is affected.

You knew it that you're being stupid when the customer hurls you with every possible unpleasing adjectives, starts calling you names, continuously banging the table and blaming you like hell- where in fact you have nothing to do with this mess apart from just conveying the news.


Be Bold!

When you need a new challenge in your career, you realize it's time to move on. Being bold, you tendered your resignation and accepted a promising job in a new and unknown company- hoping to be a key player in the company's rise.

You know you're just being plain stupid- 3 days into your new work, all the promises given to you suddenly seem too good to be true, your workplace is a mess, your colleagues are all unqualified, your boss is a jerk and your head is filled with "My former company is way better than this! I should have stayed there!".

*****

Pathetic, isn't' it? So what separates being bold from being stupid? It's called 'do it'. So play it safe. If you're thinking of being bold- don't do it. Being a mediocre is better than being a regretful failure.

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Need More Time!!!!

Ah... Time management. Another crapoholic term that will chime in your head every time you enter the meeting room...half an hour late. Most of the time you're too preoccupied, the word 'deadline' is no longer defined in your dictionary.

Let's cut to the chase. These are some of the significant time-wasters in your work that you can eliminate..if you have the balls.

Finding the parking spot
Your pride with your bling-bling ride is gone once you find out that looking for parking spaces are like searching for a needle in a haystack- time is not on your side. The fix requires cycles: recycle your car at the scrapyard and get a motorcycle or a bicycle or a tricycle.

Walking
Average people walks 18,000 steps per day. Can you imagine how much time is wasted during these walks? Here's how to spell the solution to this problem: R. U. N. Y. O. U. C. O. U. C. H. P. O. T. A. T. O.

Caffeine fix
Hanging out in the pantry might be as delicious as your coffee, but stop wasting time. Buy a pack of Red-Bulls and you'll save ample time. And oh, the side effects will shorten your career in the long run too- early retirement!

Proof-reading
To write a report is one thing. To READ BACK THE REPORT is another. Now every time you've finished the pointless report your boss sent you to do, use Text Aloud to let the computers read it back to you.

While you reluctantly write another overdue report you owe your boss.

Error-correcting
Submitting the report is not the end of it. There are times when you'll be sent back to do corrections, and correcting your report is like redoing the same task again- a waste of time indeed. If this happens often......find another job using a lower qualification. You'll make less mistakes.

Boss's lecture
Yes. It's one of the leading culprit behind your lack of time. Now treat your boss like this and watch him letting you go the next time you screw up.

Chat
Do you really need your co-workers? Do you really want to have a conversation with them? If you think you can't live through the day without speaking a word to your colleagues, you need to know more about web 2.0. Can solve the 'walk' problem too.

Meetings
Yes I've covered them before, but unfortunately it's only applicable to top managers. Now simply, if meetings are the thorn in your flesh, start a fight with everyone in your next meeting. Be super obnoxious. For sure you'll not be invited next time.

Reading emails
If you don't have a Blackberry, it's a mixed blessing. Even you're free during your time off the office, this means you have to entertain every single message from your desk. To reduce waste of time, forward this post to your pathetic forward-crazy friends and save tremendous time going through your emails.

Requesting help from other departments
This is a pain in the @ss. All those explaining, begging and even to a point, whoring, consumes lots of time just to get a simple thing done. To reduce the time taken, don't use the phone to communicate with them. Use email, and CC every message to their boss, their superiors, the General Managers, the CEO and subsequently the board of directors, the minority shareholders, the minority shareholders' watchdog, and the newspapers.

*****

Well...to be honest, following only the last step should be more than enough. Now you'll have more time. To read blogs!

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