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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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How To Make Your Company A 'Green Company'

Sunday, October 31, 2010

As a marketing consultant firm, it's our job to help our clients gain competitive advantage through clever use of branding, promotion and any other marketing tools. Yawn.

Okay, I'm here to help them gain more profits by hallucinating the hostile public into being a staunch supporter of corporate greed. Because what the public worries about are the polar bears and sun-bathing spots by the seashore, being a 'Green Company' can uplift your company's pathetic image from satan to saint with this 5-point action plan:

  1. Green job
  2. Tell the public you're recruiting more people responsible for making the Earth greener. Advertise them. Interview them. But yes, only hire the janitors and the cleaners.
  3. A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned
  4. Have a publicized budget for green initiatives, brag about how much the fund has been expanding for a couple of years and slip it back into your company's coffer after that, little by little.
  5. Turn from paper into power
  6. Reduce the usage of paper. Instead, store all your company's materials in a well backed-up hard disk in redundant paranoia chains of server farm- which will cost more trees to keep them operational. But what the hell. It's a good stunt, just don't forget to publicize the move.
  7. Luxury they can't afford
  8. Start cutting harmful materials from your distribution chain, saving money while making your customer pay for their part in making the earth greener. "We're not using paper bags/plastic bags - bring your own", "We're reducing the carbon footprints- drive and pick up your own stuff from our factories" and things like that.
  9. The de facto reason
  10. Since we need plants to produce and cars to travel, human breathing within the natural carbon equilibrium had its priority shifted, therefore we can say human is badly contributing towards the green house emission. So reduce the number of people you employ. Make the smaller number of staffs multitask and work overtime. Rationalize the move to them. You'll make more money and meet more unhappy people. 
    But mother earth will be damn proud of you.
Just what the earth needed..
4 koma comic strip - In This Economy They are Needed
see more Comixed

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