C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
a satirical blog about our corporate world

Seminars: Types of Attendees

Friday, September 26, 2008

Going to a seminar? Here's a fun thing to do instead of sleeping. Take the seat on the last row, and start identifying these types of seminar attendees.

The nerdy

They're located on the front row, even they arrive late. This is because the front row will always be reserved for these type of people (unintentionally). Usually these people wear glasses. They have the highest tendency to laugh at the speaker's jokes, even if it's not funny at all.

The fussy

They're seated everywhere. It's easy to spot them- they're the one with the most head movement, up and down. This is because they tend to jot down everything the speaker says and written on the slide. They're like the reporter.

The sleepy

They always arrive late. They'll avoid sitting in the first and the last row. They'll find the blind spot to sleep, avoiding the hot zone like those seats next to the isle. They'll try to hide behind the head of the people seated in-front, staying away from the speaker's line of sight.

The noisy

They're audible- whenever the speaker ask a question etc, their voice is the loudest. They will respond to every single question, being sarcastic at times, but when the speaker ask to raise hand (in order to answer), they'll shut up immediately. And not respond.

The nosy

They're the ones who like to ask question- whenever there's an invitation for a question, they'll be the first one to raise hand. If they walk to the mic, they'll open their question with a lengthy statement- enough to qualify as a seminar on its own. Most of their questions can be considered as an irrelevant, silly question.

The arty

They usually occupy the back-row. Their attendance is only possible because of a mandatory order by their superiors. They tend to to take notes, but actually they're trying to sketch the speaker (without success). They'll also draw objects, including logo and emblem of leading brand-names.

The smarty

They're seated on the back row. They're always looking at other attendees, observing each and everyone's behavior. They'll nod discreetly at times, as if they're agreeing with a point made in their mental note. Sometimes they also shake their head in disbelief, on how accurate a description they read about seminar attendees.

You're looking at another reader of the Black Zedd's Basic Literature. Kudos.
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How To Avoid Helping Your Co-Workers

Friday, September 12, 2008

One of the burden of the office job is when your co-workers come and seek your help- it often ends up with a burdensome task that will result to more workload.

By eliminating the request from your peers alone you will free up a significant amount of work. Here's how you can do it.

Before we begin, set your own cellphone number on your desk phone's speed dial and vice versa.

When your co-worker approaches you to seek your help, follow these steps:

1. Tell him/her "Oh, one minute, I have to make this phone call"

2. Dial an incomplete number. Start talking.

3. When he/she's not looking, speed dial your cellphone number. (Keep talking)

4. Your cellphone will ring. To your fake amusement, answer your cellphone. Tell the imaginary caller that you're busy on another line, ask them to hold.

5. Switch back to your desk phone. Talk.

6. Hang up your desk phone. Continue talking on your cellphone.

7. When he/she's not looking, speed dial your desk phone.

8. Repeat step 4-7 (switch the phone type) until your co-worker becomes bored and leave.

What if your co-worker returns for the second time?

9. Of course, repeat step 1-7.

What if
your co-worker returns for the third time?

10. Do step 1, but dial his desk phone number instead.

11. Your co-worker will return back to his desk to answer the call. Hang up once he/she arrive at his/her desk. (you should keep pretending and talk)

12. Repeat step 10 & 11 every time he/she returns.

What if
your co-worker still return after the 10th time?

13. Call your boss.

14. Pass the phone to your co-worker, telling him/her the boss wants to speak with him/her.

15. Once your co-worker says hello, stomp on his/her foot really hard. Let's hope he/she'll curse your boss and end up getting fired immediately.

Tadaam! One less work today!

Ehem! We're An Equal Opportunity Employer

Monday, September 8, 2008

Welcome to Gobloc Insulting, a marketing consultancy firm.

We give equal opportunity to every people to work in our company, regardless of their gender, race, religion and any characteristic that may be considered for social profiling.

For example, we never discriminate the women.

Just look at the candidate lists for every interviews. We have women being considered for every top management position.

Ehem. Just don't look at the list of successful candidates.

We also never discriminate the minorities.

We never put in 'race' or 'religion' in our application form. We don't want candidates to think that we're discriminating them.

Ehem. That's why we call all of them for interviews- to visually identify and reject the minorities.

Heck, we don't even discriminate the idiots.

We believe potential shouldn't be measured through academic pointers per se. That's why we provide IQ and competency test to all candidates- regardless of their academic achievements.

Ehem. This way we can blind the public from the truth - that we're offering the job to the family members of top management.

Giving opportunity doesn't mean giving the position. Being 'considered' is not the same as being offered. In some cases, it may even sound like an insult.

"We'll consider your application. Thank you"

Sounds familiar?
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How To ab-Use Corporate Blogging

Monday, September 1, 2008

Corporate blogging is the way to go. I always encourage my clients to set up their own company blog, simply because consumers trusted blogs even more than conventional media nowadays.

A blog is more trust-worthy than your press-release or news section because they're likely written by someone not as crooked and deceptive as your PR consultant. It's more personal, casual, less-professional.

The public willingly stick their neck out for blogs- providing a more effective channel to push your kool-aid down their throat.

Here I outline 10 surefire way to achieve a PR zen through your corporate blog:

  1. Always post using names of your employees. For better result, use the name of the CEO. It will create a 'perceived' down-to-earth image. Another point for PR.

  2. People are likely to connect with your organization if they can see real human interactions within. That was how Survivors kicked-off the reality show bandwagon, right? Publish stories of your employees that are related to your target market. For example, if your business targets mothers, create news about employees giving birth. It will foster affinity to your organization.

  3. Human tends to unite around a cause when tragedy struck. So, publish false happening around the office to elicit sympathy, like "Mary our R&D director just loss her only son in a freak accident"..anything that can garner compassion. It will gain you more followers to your blog. Plus the spillover effect from the compassion will neutralize any resentment towards your company.

  4. The more frequent you update your blog, the more people will tune in to follow. More posts will provide more rooms to repeat your false conscience for the environment and to your public. Remember: use this to REinforce your phony principles.

  5. Once in a while highlight fake e-mails from your customers. Some of those emails should be negative in nature, but highlights how your organization solve their problems and turns the complainer into satisfied, loyal supporter.

    Consumers trust bloggers. Abuse the trust.

  6. Form up a special committee of 'independent bloggers' that consists of your paid staffs to set up their own blog and publish writings on how good your company and products are. Remember to conceal their true identity at any cost.

  7. Make it compulsory for EVERY employee to comment POSITIVELY on every post from their home using fake names. The IP distribution will help in increasing the Alexa ranking- providing false signal that your corporate blog is indeed popular.

  8. Plant links in the committee members' blog, using effective keywords as the anchor text, such as 'the company that care about the environment' etc... Also harass those do-follow blogs (spare mine) with comments linking to the corporate blog to get more PR juice.

  9. Form up another committee, the 'Digg and StumbleUpon brigade' to digg/thumbs up your postings and bury/thumbs down posts from other competing blogs. This is a measure to promote your blog even further. [source]

  10. Reply to comments with "Thanks for your interesting input. We'll definitely discuss them in our next incoming meeting" and mentally replace the reply with "Yeah right, suckers!"
Just follow these simple steps and you're on your way to a new hight in corporate credibility.
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