C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
a satirical blog about our corporate world

What's Up With Today's Employee Titles?

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Apparently some in HR field think that by changing the employee titles, they can make the difference.

That's why Starbucks don't call their waiters 'waiter'. They slap craps on their name tags by calling these people 'barista'.

Or Walt Disney when they chose to call their engineers 'imagineers'. What the hack was that?

Wall Mart and Home Depot call all their non-management staffs 'associates'. If only they really mean it.

Hotels proudly call their masseuse 'massage therapists'. As if their touch is any less tempting.

Customer Service Executive is now commonly called Customer Care Consultants. How I wish that was true- the 'consult' and 'care' .

Scan the job market for Marketing Executive and you'll find millions of them- where 99.9% will land you in a job of a salesperson. Or a telemarketer. (no..marketing is not merely selling)

Maybe because the Marketing people has a new name. Well, Apple seems to call them 'Evangelist'.

No different with 'Administration Executive'. Most of them are secretaries doing clerical stuffs. Wait....I'm sorry, no, they're not secretaries. They're executives. Doing secretarial and clerical stuffs. In companies without secretary and enough staffs.

Things are all well with Management Trainee- except the 'Management Trainee' part. You don't train to be management personnel. You're trained to be a management tool, with a prospect of having another 1-year extension to your contract. You're a temp.

"We're the best company. Our staffs have catchy titles
and work in cool departments."

Companies put hyped-up titles on their employees for one reason- to deceive.
  1. To deceive employees that they're special, unique. Or they're being promoted into something more significant. Minus the raise, the perks and the authority.

  2. To deceive customers that they're being treated by specialists. By pros. In exchange for higher charges.

If someone actually thinks that these unique designations actually reflect their value and nature of their jobs better, I have some suggestions.

Stock traders should be renamed as 'speculator'. And recognizing the Accountant's talent in cooking the book, they should be called 'Chef'.

Why don't we rename PR personnel as 'BS' personnel. And simply, company lawyers as 'Shark'.

And because receptionists direct visitors around the office, we should call them 'Director'.

Luckily they don't talk like this.

They did a better job bringing people in the right direction, compared to an actual director- who we should herein rename as 'Dictator'.

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6 Benefits From Not Getting Promoted

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It's so unfortunate that you have to miss that last promotion. I know, it's kinda tough when you've set your hopes high then get turned down.


But there's a silver lining in every cloud, once a door is closed, another one will open. Here's the benefit if you don't get the promotion you always wanted:

1. Improved Anger Management Skills

Being constantly ridiculed by fellow colleagues while laden with the anger towards your boss, you'll be forced to equip yourself with improved anger management technique since you don't want to end up in jail.

2. Enhanced Creative Talent

You'll make up bull5hits to tell everyone outside your office about how you're mistreated, that there's a conspiracy to deny your promotion, on how favoritism cost you dearly. But the fact remains the same: you're not qualified for the promotion and now you're polishing your creative skills.

3. Enriched Knowledge

With this disappointment, you'll finally say "It's time to move on". Which means you'll spend more time reading the newspapers and surfing the net for job openings. Ah, finally, you'll do some reading.

4. Get New Friends

Being turned down breed disappointments, which will gain you new friends- explicit one like therapists and whine-partner, along with implicit one like booze and cigarettes.

5. Better Financial Awareness

People always spend lavishly in anticipation of a raise associated with a promotion. Thanks to credit cards. Now thanks to the plastic, and the failure to get the promotion, you're caught in debts, so burdening that you're actually thinking about being a wise spender.

6. Keeping The Low Profile

Not getting the promotion means you're one step lower under the radar, which will spare you from the increased fame. You'll have more peace of mind, saving yourself from being a potential target of gossips and defamation.

And not getting the accompanying pay raise will also mean you're less attractive to those robbers. It's good because unless you're me, you won't get richer every time you're robbed.

Get a technology degree online to start planning your next career move to earn that promotion you want.
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Golf Is for the Unfair Advantage

Friday, June 20, 2008

Of all the sports in the entire milky way, you should agree that golf is the most useless one there is. You'll spend thousands of dollars just for a microscopic improvement in your health.

If health is the expected return, then golf must be the worst investment vehicle available. Ever.

Come on, people often said "Golf is good to keep your mind sharp" as if they never heard about chess. Or backgammon.

If "It's a mild exercise for those who can't take more intense sports" then obviously retirement age should be lowered to 30.

Some said "It's a sport to enjoy the peaceful surrounding where you relax and unwind". That doesn't explain the thousands of hours golfers spend in the boring, clamorous driving range prior to their limited days in the fairways. Or they're not aware that jogging is allowed in parks and lakesides.

Driving range: All this constant swinging and swearing is calm and peaceful. You wish.

You see, we don't walk between holes, we drive. We don't carry our golf bags nor we think about the optimum clubs and the hit direction, because that's what caddies are for (including taking the blame for our bogeys.)

It doesn't work this way.

But everyone will nod in agreement that golf is a social activity. There's so many inactivity in this activity, the only thing that can make them interesting is by being a chatterbox.

And because golf courses are as big as Texas, other golfer groups are far away- a perfect isolation and privacy for you to discuss confidential matters especially business dealings.

"But sir, if we discuss business dealings there, then what's the use of meetings?"

Meeting is where we fool people into thinking we make decisions based on our integrity, that we can decide something based on the limited information presented, that we conclude our act based on the best interest of other people or whatever deemed fit for disclosures.

Where, in fact, behind every formal meetings, MoUs, Agreements and 5hits, there are always shadowy dealings involving briberies, conspiracies, libels, frauds, nepotism, secret cartels, hidden agenda- whatever that can land us in the hot soup. Things that antitrust laws exists for.

Where else can you discuss these other than during the 'innocent' round of golf?

Don't get me wrong. I love golf. I have my golfing buddies, always eager to outdo each other with our own signature (and superstitious) move. But to admit that golf is actually a sport is like throwing dusts into the public eyes.

It's just a deception.

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How To Reduce Office Expenditures

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I've been actively preaching that oil prices will drop below $100, but silly me, my 'guru status' failed to shake the future traders to follow suite this time. With the price per barrel is predicted to reach $150 any moment now, it's time to engage in another cost-rationalization exercise.

Heck, the oil price doesn't affect my business significantly, but since I need more money to complete my retreat in the Cayman Island, this is a great excuse to further increase my earnings.

Therefore, I've introduced new measures to improve our operating expenditures.

1. Work at home

Employees will be required to work from home in alternate days, leaving the office free from any electricity usage for the whole day. This way, the cost of electricity and telephone calls are actually shouldered by the employees through their home bills.

2. Partial-nudity

Air-conditioners consume lots of juice. Therefore, employees will be required to dress partially-nude to the office, reducing the air-conditioning needed to keep them chilled. Of course, full nudity is totally forbidden, as they're Not Safe For Work.

Another morning in the lobby

3. PC-Pooling

Just like car-pooling, simultaneous operational computers will be kept at 10%, which requires employees to share their PCs with colleagues.

This means they have to take turn to use the limited number of computers, and since this facility is highly abused by them, it will force employees to only concentrate on finishing their work. It'll take some power off the grid too.

4. Outdoor Meetings

Lights on. People walk in. Greetings. Curtain down. Lights off. Projectors up. People sleep. Projectors off. People awake. Curtains up. Lights on. People leave.

This is how much energy is wasted during regular indoor meetings. Not anymore, as outdoor meetings with whiteboard will eliminate all those energies needed from lightings and projectors. Plus, you can't sleep when it's bright.


To further alleviate the impact of oil prices (in the eyes of my clients) all our business services will be accompanied by fuel surcharges. Apart form this norm, we'll take a step further by introducing other illusionary surcharges related to this oil-price misery:

Morale surcharge- to cover the cost of increasing bonuses to boost up employees morale

Anger surcharge- to cover the emotional cost of dissent

Faking surcharge
- to cover the training cost involved in making our employees pretending to be happy serving you in light of their personal misery


Now if you'll excuse me, I've to meet my architect to size up the planned dining hall.
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Why Business Vendors Are Important

Thursday, June 5, 2008

One of the blessing of having business competition is vendors. Our B2B vendors and suppliers.

Like office equipment suppliers and food caterers. And also the CRM/SCM software resellers and network platform vendors.

Oh, don't forget those office furnitures, the pantry's appliances and corporate gifts suppliers too. And there's training consultants, private security firms and accounting advisors.

And the routine management conference, seminars, staff retreat and company dinners mean event management firms, travel agencies and hotels.

There's vendor for anything it seems..

It's a blessing because these suppliers come from dozens of different companies vying to sell the same product. And they must do a good job 'convincing' us to choose them over their competitors.

So I've instructed our procurement department to invite hundreds of all sorts of tenders and solicit these companies to convince us.

And when they come to the product presentation, as always, they won't come empty-handed. Most of vendor presentations come complete with samples, goodies, and freebies.

All these giveaways will be stored in a special room, marked 'Employee Performance Benefits'. With stuffs from hundreds of bidding companies, I'll have more material rewards to motivate my staff for an entire decade.

But this is the best part. Each vendor will be required to go through me personally, where they'll have the best opportunity to make their bid loud and clear.

Vendor: Please consider my company for your $30 million supplies.
Me: I only conduct business with people I trust.
Vendor: You can trust me.

Me: I only trust friends.
Vendor: Hm..

Me: A friend will make their friend happy.
Vendor: What makes you happy?

Me: A sponsored trip to Europe for my whole family. And a Panerai chronograph.
Vendor: Say hello to your new friend.

Before you think I'm a corrupt, let me remind you this is not a bribe. Because after all those lavish gifts I enjoyed, I will not approve their tender.

"Due to the rising oil price which escalated the cost of conducting our business, the management has decided to cease all new procurements until further notice"

The only 'further notice' they'll get will be that of my funeral.

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