C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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Quicker Meetings Please!

Monday, November 26, 2007

The other day I was invited to witness a meeting with the Gobloc Insulting suppliers (yes, we also sell useless products - successfully). As usual, the meeting started late, constantly went astray from the key topics and finished late in the evening. I was infuriated, I had to miss my favorite soap opera!

As numerous distributors constantly fielded irrelevant questions during the gibberish meeting, I took some notes on how to improve the efficiency of such discussion.

I was lucky, the next day I was supposed to chair another meeting with our distributors, scheduled in the afternoon with lunch.

The morning prior to the meeting, I quickly summoned my Product Manager to brief him on my demands for the meeting. Here is the excerpt from our conversation:

Me: Who's not coming?
Product Manager (PM): Mr. Darren from XXX Inc.

Me: Good. Minus 1 moron for the meeting. Who's supposed to take notes?
PM: My secretary. She's up and ready.

Me: Remove her. She's consuming our oxygen, it'll make us sleepy. Haven't you heard of Voice Recorder?? It consumes less.
PM: Er..understood boss.

Me: Where will the meeting take place?
PM: In our main meeting chamber, level 4.

Me: Make it in our lobby. Shave some time for those 1d1ots to come up.
PM: But boss...we've already decorated the room!

Me: Save it for my next birthday party.
PM: Ok then..I'll arrange the boys to transfer those table and chairs.
Me: What table? What chair? We'll have the meeting standing. They'll surely want the meeting to finish early. Are the powerpoint slides ready?

PM: Yes boss! I stayed up all night to finish it.
Me: Good. Scrap them. Watching consumes more time than just listening alone.

PM: I assume they'll take notes then? Coz we have the complimentary notepads ready.
Me: So that they can draw pictures? Nonsense. No notes. What's for lunch?

PM: Buffet rice and some desserts.
Me: Give them to our staffs. No meals for the meeting. How long is the Q&A session?

PM: I think where this is heading, I'll reduce it to 15 minutes.
Me: You're a quick learner. No Q&A. Tell them to ask our executives later. They're more knowledgeable.

PM: So that will just leave us with our presentations?
Me: Wait..what presentations?

PM: Our new product features update.
Me: Send them the marketing kits. How frequently we have this meeting?

PM: About once a month?
Me: Darn. Then we'll meet them next month. Or make it next year.

PM: So the meeting's canceled???
Me: You bet. Any thought?

PM: I think this will effect our communication flow with them!
Me: Very well. You're fired. Clear your room now. This time don't leave your brain behind.


I managed to spare some crucial time for the soap opera. As I believe, meetings are for socially unsecured nerds.

Silent please. The meeting is underway.

Related Post: Being lazy is not that bad

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wow, is that your meeting room? If I'm the one who attend the meeting....I won't be able to give any contribution since the room is so beautiful. he he he

hmm.. that's kind of meeting i like to attend. simple and fast. no more rubbish that makes me boring and sleeping.. haha.. nice one zedd..

That's right, why bother with meetings at all? If clients want to exchange info, they should just e-mail your minions. ^.^

Etomyam, I feel very strongly about having beautiful meeting rooms. It's nicer to look at than those pointless 'slides'.

Slackers, I like to attend no meeting at all. Even if it's fast.

Elly m, meetings are where we sharpen our sketching skills.

u seem need a new project manager. can i apply for this position? hahaha..

It's product manager. I don't need a new one. I can just ask my accountant to multitask.

Good Boss.I'm thinking no boss is better.So, fired them!

Mrs. Bean, are you aksing me to fire myself? I'll be glad to!

hye zedd. i'm back *haha kunun mcm dh lame ilang* :p

err..mintak2 keje nnt kite tak dapat boss mcm zedd. kijam. hehe :p

Sorry..I'm not understand.Do you mean that - there's no need to do my work efficiently?if I am that product manager?wasting..

Ayumi, by no means I'm mean, what I meant was meetings are meaningless when we have to find other means to an end- which is the soap opera, of course.

Oncenaif, yes, do not work efficiently. In fact, do not work at all. Work wastes time. Soap opera? Entertaining!

hoho, this is world in the mirror alright. there is no such thing as meetings with no note pads and...standing up while at that?!

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