C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
a satirical blog about our corporate world

Why Salesmen Are Like Stealth Bombers

Friday, February 22, 2008

We enjoyed rapid sales increase in the recent months, and I attributed all the success to my salespeople myself. Nevertheless, I would like you to digest my advice to our salespeople- "soar the sales chart like a flying stealth bomber". Here's why those two entities are somewhat similar.

Precise Targeting System

Spotting real prospects in a crowded and hectic mall can be too cumbersome for some. But real salespeople, having outrageous sales target to achieve, could not take that as an excuse. Thus they are equipped with the best prospect detection ability, to spot and differentiate the haves and the haves not.

So if you happen to stroll in front of a salesman and are completely ignored by him, you know which group you belong to.

Stealth Ability

Stealthy mode is as important. Having the power to surface on the target at the right time is always crucial. Prospects are wise nowadays, they know how to spot a salesman (from far away) and immediately alter their route so that they're free from harassments these salesmen are going to give.

Long Range, Enduring Ability

As with the stealth bomber which have a strategic ability to fly inter-continental missions, salesman should have the similar endurance to travel and survive the whole day in the sales territory and return home safely. There's no lunch at home. Refueling takes place on the go.

Care for a sandwich?

Rapid Bombing Ability

When they're out there on a mission, the least these salesmen want is having their selling points rejected by the prospect. So, they don't give any room for one.

Constant bombardment of sales points like "10 reason why you shouldn't leave here without my product" and "This is Mr James, before this guy used our product.." weakens the prospects until they surrender and just buy the d@mn product..

Nuclear Warhead Carrying Ability

When the going gets tough, the tough gets slaughtering. When rapid bombing does not work, stubborn prospects are going to get the nuke- a powerful statement that belittles them, which not only devastated and demoralized their present day, but also continues to hunt their memories for their entire life. That is what radiation is all about.

Rejecting? Be prepared...

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How To Not Get A Promotion

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Not Promoted

Cookie-cutters are hardly noticed. Unique personality sells.

So, how about distinguishing yourself from your co-workers? Instead of vying for promotion, you should avoid one! Here's what you can do to NOT get a promotion:

1. Demonstrate your intelligence to your boss

He surely will recognize your talent and mark you as a threat to his position. "Jeez, this guy is waay better than me!" Therefore he'll do anything to secure his limelight- including denying you a promotion which will put you into a greater position to belittle his skills.

2. Speak-up in meetings

Meetings are boring. So the only thing that will annoy the people in one is to lengthen them. An honest, professional opinion backed by concrete sheets of facts will definitely put them off from recommending to expedite your authority.

3. Build a good rapport with the top management

A good relationship with the top managements and directors is good- to increase your boss's suspicion that:

a. you're an 1diot for not adhering to the decision making chain
b. you're out there to stab his back
c. you're a better @55-kisser than he is

4. Spend less time in the pantry

...and be left in the dark on what's the best subject to praise your boss or the best source to plagiarize your report.

You will also miss out any opportunity to request your colleagues to replace you in one of your concurrent meetings, since they can make up BS and you don't know anything about them to question.

5. Plan your career ahead

So that you can be disappointed that everything you planned bar none is not working. Try ridiculously-optimistic planning so that utter rage is produced out of your disappointment.

Kicking the water dispenser or spitting on the department's door is always good to avoid any promotion.


Now that is what I call 'being unique'. Show some love to your cubicle. It's going to be your life partner.

You can also avoid any promotion by NOT
subscribing to my feed or NOT receiving my writings through e-mails.

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I'm Offering $89.2b To Acquire Yahoo! Inc.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Or is it Red Zedd?

For those of you who have been following the tech news recently, you wouldn't miss the fact that:

  1. IT-Mogul Microsoft bid a whooping $44.6b to acquire the internet giant Yahoo
  2. And the deal has been shot down by the latter on the grounds of 'not in the best interests of our stockholders.',
  3. And that the shareholders are suing Yahoo's management for rejecting the bid.
I'm one of those few who felt absolutely relieved the deal didn't went through.

Yes, it may alter the competitive dimension in the 'Google vs. The Rest' struggle, but being a sharp and freaking rich businessman myself, I see a goldmine left untouched.

Therefore, I would like to make an official announcement (I love you guys a lot, so I'm giving you the first heads-up) that I, Mr. Black Zedd, through my company Gobloc Insulting, is launching a bid for Yahoo! Inc. for $89.2billion.

The Bid

This represents twice the bid value of the poor old Microsoft and an irresistible premium of 120% for Yahoo!'s $31 per share stockholders.

The Decision

The decision was made after thorough 2 minutes discussions with my clueless IT executives (they love DOTA) and the endless pact negotiation with the lawyers representing major Yahoo! stockholders.

Here is how I will reap the fortune out of the deal:

1. In the event that my bid is accepted

I'm sure they will never accept my bid as I don't have enough prowess in the IT industry to keep the company going. But wait....

2. In the event that my bid is rejected

Their greedy stockholders will sue the Yahoo management for rejecting the bid- they're loosing out big-time by failing to cash in on the 120% premium. And with the deal I made with their lawyers (I'm asking 20% cut for triggering the lawsuit), I will gain the cash which is impossible had the bid never existed.

Yahoo Stockholders

So years from now I will reap the reward from this brilliant move. And that's only possible because:

(Shareholders + Greed + Desire For New Retreat Mansion) + (Lawyers + Greed + Persuasive Talent) = Big Money
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5 Important Gadgets for Executives

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Eying your next promotion? Wanting the pride of finally telling your in-laws you're a corporate bigwig? To get there, you need some gadgets. And these 5 gadgets are indispensable for any executives:

1. Blackberry

This is to confirm to your colleagues and superiors that you're so dedicated to your professional career, you refuse to leave all your work at your desk. You're demonstrating your commitment to the corporate world by having the ability to work even when you're having a loo.

2. Second, cheaper and simpler handphone

You don't want to mess around with your main handphone line, therefore a second line with a second phone is a must. This is important to elude the loan sharks, pay-day creditors, mortgage banks and other collection or repossession personnel from contacting you, since most of your loans are in their delinquent lists. You may blame your small wage increment, but wait till you hear about the allowance cut.

3. Toiletries Bag

You know that even you work your butt all day through all those e-mails, papers and slides, there's always more incoming waiting for you. Yes, when it's time for his tee-off, you being an @55 kisser (we understand, you have to) will take over and finish all his pending task for the day. Which, of course, extend to the night. You need to feel fresh for your midnight coffee outings, or even to start the next day without going back home. Lucky you, toiletries can fit in a bag. Lucky you, toilets are everywhere.

4. Monthly Pass for Bus/Rapid Transit

Forget about owning your own ride. It will only get you out of your neighborhood before massive traffic jams start making you realize your 24 hours are mostly spent banging your steering wheel and cursing the queue jumpers. Public transport is the pride of executives, after all, you still need your sleep there after coming back from the office in the wee morning yesterday.

5. Punching Bag

Come on..after those insults from your boss, the endless grapevine about your lack of taste in fashion, your ire with the mouth of department's secretary, and your uncooperative colleagues, you need something to unleash your fury. And you know your partner/spouse is much more irritated since you always miss your dinner, so the punching bag is a more likely option.

P/S: RSS readers are important too, since you can subscribe to my feed for more insights on the corporate career. Or you can also receive my writings through e-mails. No spam included.

How To Promote Your (Useless) Product Using No Budget

Thursday, February 7, 2008

It is a well-known fact that consultant's clients are not that clever in marketing their own stuff. Most probably they just woke up from bed one day and.....

Dumb@55: Hey.. let's invent something and make a fortune out of it!

Clever Friend: Wait a minute..how do you know they will sell?

Dumb@55: Don't worry..we hire a marketing consultant. They'll surely find a way!

Clever Friend: Gee..you're right! Let's get the R&D runnin'! (Started thinking on changing his name)

These people started to locate some VCs to fund their project, but of course, being a useless product, they'll never secure one.

VC: I don't think there's a demand whatsoever for the product you're inventing. You're wasting my time.

Dumb@55: I'll take that as an insult to my intelligence and 'positively' take that as a challenge.

Dumb@55 Friend (formerly known as Clever Guy): We'll fork out our savings to pursue our goals. There's no reward without risk. We're risk taker.

And so they went broke because the R&D cost more than what they expected (stupid inventions needs endless corrective modifications) and their remaining budget is only left for promoting the product.

Dumb@55: Ok, let's start promoting it. Any good marketing consultant you know?

Dumb@55 Friend: Gobloc Insulting is the best. I heard the guy running it is filthy rich. Must be very successful. (Considering changing back his name)

Fortunately, I'm notorious for guerrilla (read: cheap-skate) marketing, so we took the project.

Dumb@55: We borrowed 2mil from our relatives who sold off all their real estate properties to fund the marketing expenses for this product.

Me: I'm sorry, your budget is only sufficient for my profit margin. Therefore the product will have zero budget for actual promotion.

Clever Friend (previously Dumb@55 friend): But you still can promote it right?

Me: Depends on how far are you guys willing to go to promote...

Dumb@55: We've risk loosing our entire family tree for this project. Go figure.

Me: Good. Now...Your product, along with you, will get international exposures, endless discussions and eternal place in the history. And..did I mention we're promoting it on Television?

You gotta be kiddin' man..With zero promotion budget?

Me: I'm THE Black Zedd. I'm dead serious. Now get me some plain T-shirts. Print your product name on them. Put 'em on and follow what these people are doing:

Me: In order to get the best return out of the zero sum you're spending, strive for comments like these:

Dumb@55: Got it! You're a genius! (considering changing his name)

Me: Good luck. And don't forget to subscribe to my feed for more brilliant marketing tactics. Or stumble and digg this advice to share with other sorry 'inventors' like you.

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