C.E.O., Gobloc Insulting
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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
a satirical blog about our corporate world

My Philantrophic Responsibilties Explained...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Picture for 'illustration' purpose only.

I don't care. Why should I give a damn.

I will not be around by the time the global warming starts melting human eye-brows.

I don't have cancers. And if my relatives have it, it's already too late to find a cure.

Those children who are in need- they're not akin to me in any DNA configuration whatsoever.

Who cares about the forest or the river? Man-made Six Flags are way more beautiful.

Why should I help students who have the greatest potential -to study further and set-up a competing company?

Third World Countries? Why should I share my success with such failures?

Renewable energy? Well, I've calculated that the current energy supply can sustain my funeral needs.

The earth is still largely unpopulated, so why should we go to space?

SO NO...I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. But still, I give. I donate.

That's why all my donations are through the door-sized mock checks- so big it couldn't fit through the teller counter at the banks.

That's why I have to set up a full-blown ceremony to handover my donation. Complete with 5-star dining and reception, and costs the same amount I'm donating.

That's why all those reporters are treated best. Even they don't contribute ANY money to the fund I'm donating.

That's why the cause and the charity foundations I'm donating always related to the areas my business had ill-treated.

That's why I listen to my PR and Accountants before I choose who to donate to.

That's why my charity foundation must bear my full-name.

That's why the amount I'm pledging always correspond the tax figure I refuse to pay.

Sounds fair, isn't it?

Because charity work earns better ROI than paid advertisements.

I will never give away my hard-earned money unless I'll get more money in return.

Investment is not a charity. But charity IS an investment.
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Using Statistics To Propel Your Career

Sunday, April 20, 2008

As a general rule of thumb, your co-workers composition in your company follows the Bell-shape, normal distribution proportion.


Normal distribution means most of your co-workers are Average Joe. You’ll hardly notice them. They’re so invisible that you’re still dazzled why those seats at the cafeteria are always taken.

People rarely talk about them. Hence they're also invisible on the leadership succession plan.

On both tails of the distribution lies the extraordinary Joe.


On the extreme right tail are the Joe Satrianis. People in this right end possesses natural gift including ability to mesmerize others with their delicate performance and superb consistency. You worship their talent and achievements, and they’re constantly talked about within and outside the company.


On the extreme left is the Meet Joe Black type, who is as absurd as the 1998 film featuring the Death himself who took a sabbatical after endless millenniums of death-saving task. But hey, like the film, people in this end still managed to evoke such huge reactions- so huge that you’ll actually talk about them as often as you would about the Satrianis.

So for sure there’s a 1 million in 1 chance that you’re an average Joe.

“Darn, I have to change. People should talk about me more often, or I’ll end up with a rain check every time I'm interviewed for a promotion”

Time for a change indeed.

And NO. You can’t be a Joe Satriani. And you never will since your only talent involves the King and the Queen...in Solitaire.

So this leaves you with only one option. Be like the Meet Joe Black.

You can still become the prominent piece of conversation in your company by doing any of these:

  • Run in the company Marathon and pass out 10 feet from the finishing line.
  • Wear your work attire to the annual dinner.
  • Introduce your childhood friend to your office mates.
  • Drive a Fiat Multipla to your workplace.
  • Leave your zipper open during your committee presentation.
  • Die your hair blonde.
  • Wear earrings on your right ear.
  • Pay for your lunch using coins.
  • Put Michael Jackson on your wallpaper.
  • Praise your boss in the public.
  • Blow your morning breath in the elevator during the morning rush.
  • Date an older, higher-level Manager.
  • Get warded for STD.
  • Or....just work in the Payroll Department.

You’re nothing until people talk about you. Make them to.

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Best CEO Candidate: Marketers or Engineers?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

When Carlos Ghosn took the helm at Nissan, he immediately removed top managers who are marketing people and replaced them with engineers. It’s one of his recipes for the near-impossible turnaround success of Nissan. Plus the 500 days a year on the airplane.

So who's the best? I know management logic tells us it’s the combination of both that propels an enterprise.

But since Adam Smith decided to write the Wealth of Nation, and human being is so fond of his reckoning, specialization only means that there’s always a trade-off when it’s a combo of both.

The Quest For Answer

My CEO colleague recently entrusted me with a consultative responsibility (with a bloated fee, as always) to appoint his successor . So after some scrutiny I did in their organization, I decided to study Mr. Ghosn’s approach by doing a Debate Interview.

By pitching a key Marketer against a star Engineer from his company, I will decide who’s best for the job of C.E.O.

Marketing: I bring business into this company.
Engineering: I produce products for this company.

Marketing: Well, without me your product is worthless.
Engineering: Well, without me you have nothing to sell.

Marketing: Sales bring revenue. Revenue pays your salary.
Engineering: Not true. No product no sales.

Marketing: Your productions consume costs. Only sales can offset it.
Engineering: It's your commissions that cost most!

Marketing: Your product is a junk. I convince our customers to buy it.
Engineering: Well, without our product, you have nothing to convince people.

Marketing: Without us, you’ll know nothing about the customers’ needs and wants.
Engineering: Without us, customers can only dream about their needs and wants.

Marketing: You’re limiting the product’s potential by being pessimistic.
Engineering: Your optimism only brings pie in the skies.

Marketing: You’re all research and no output.
Engineering: You’re all talk and no can do.

Marketing: You lack style.
Engineering: You lack substance.

Marketing: You’re a nerd.
Engineering: You’re a fag..

Me: All right there. Thank you guys. It seems both of you need one another to function properly. You’re too dependent to assume the ultimate decision making role.

Therefore I decided to appoint someone else.

This guy...The board will love him so much, he’ll get increasing vote of confidence every time the board meeting is held.

He has a great attention to details, and considers every cent a life-saving fortune. He knows how exactly to maximize outputs by minimizing resource.

He doesn’t need to know how stuff works but can still improve the bottom-line. He can bring us the next iconic achievements. If we need our own Great pyramid of Gyza, he is our Pharaoh.

He’s so powerful, even higher level managers beg him at times. He’s so important that you didn’t question any of his directives before, and so popular that you would meet him face to face even for a microscopic matter.

He’s so occupied that you need to bring a 10,000 page document to tell him you’re not wasting his time.

He has strong principles, highly resourceful, and influential at any level. The board loves him. You enslave yourselves to him.

Yes, he’s from ACCOUNTING.

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Never Do These In Job Interviews

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Being on top of my current company, I've been on both ends of job interviews. And having seen all kind of people interviewing and interviewed, it's a politically correct move to "Share all my experiences so that you can learn something"


Anyways, here it is:

1. Never say anything nice about your old employer(s)

You should never highlight any positive points regarding your previous employers. Find and list everything bad that you can. Tell those interviewers what you feel. They'll see this as your precious critical skills.

Plus you also demonstrate your endurance level by working in crappy companies for years.

2. Never say "I need a new challenge"

No. It's a cliche. A good one, but still, a cliche. You don't want the interviewers to summarize the job interview stating "Of 1000 candidates, all need a new challenge in their career".

You want them to include "except one candidate that said he wants us to take the challenge from rapid growth he will bring into our company".

3. Never praise the company you're interviewing for

"I like to work here because this company will be a great platform for me to advance my career path" will only uplift those egomaniacs.

Try this: "You will hire me because I will be a great platform for you to triple your company's bottom-line".

4. Never dress professionally

A pair of jeans and a t-shirt work fine. Why imitate all those cookie-cutter looser in the corporate rate-race when you can have billionaire moguls like the Google brothers and Steve Jobs to follow?

After all, Richard Branson did more for the entire human race than Donald Trump did for the New Yorkers.

Less suits brings more wealth

5. Never sell yourself short
The ultimate value of yourself derives from the demand and supply equation. Never outstrip their demand for your service by supplying too much eagerness- or you'll risk being on the cheaper scale of the salary budget.

So instead of asking "How much is the salary?", which is a degrading question, say "I'll work for no less than [the average salary + 50%]". Ping their arrogance until it shatters.


The overall idea is to beat the crap out of the interviewers. Insult their intelligence to the max, showing why they will face an imminent doom if you don't join them. As a conclusion:

The universe revolves around you. Tell them.

P/S: No, it will not work on me if you're interviewing for my company. Only the opposite will take place.

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