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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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Why My Bonus Is More Than Yours

Friday, December 7, 2007

We're approaching the end of the year. For most (some?) of you workaholics out there, you know it's high-time for your bonus pay-outs. So, how many month do you get? Happy?

I'm not happy for sure. Because I'm the owner of my company. I've to fork out my prospective earnings just to make sure my employees, like you, are "motivated" or feel "appreciated".

And I have to cut my slice of the cake just so you can pay for those rip off 'car insurance' policy renewal or those 'vacation club' fees that you've been duped into not a while ago.

So to ensure I'm able to purchase my ridiculously extravagant yatch next year, I'm going to revamp the whole Human Resource policy so that I'm not in the losing end when bonus payouts arrive.

Here's my modified HR policy:

  • As annual bonus are paid in the basic salary multiplier, all basic salary will be reduced to RM10 and the balance will be represented in unexplainable allowances.
  • For those employees who's probation is ending before the bonus payment, I'll extend them on the ground of "poor performance".
  • I'm offering the "Employee of the Year" award to a manager with the lowest bonus recommendation to their subordinates.
  • All new recruitment will be employed on contract-basis, renewable every year. These contract staffs are therefore, not eligible for bonus payouts.
  • The department with more practical students than full-time employees will get more budget allocation the next year. Practical trainee don't get bonuses.
  • Any medical leave or emergency leave will void their eligibility to get bonus.
  • All bonuses will be paid in company share, and not convertible to cash for at least 3 decades.

Now I can reduce my bonus expenses without jeopardizing the quality of my workforce. After all, I can still offer 20 months bonus incentive as a bait.



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15 comments:

yeahh. zedd is back. dapat bonus lebih, takmo share ngan kite ke.. huhu.

tgk gambar belalang tu kan msti kite terbayang cite star wars. huhu. xtau nape

eh silapss. belalang plak dh. mentadak mentadu kan. ngehh

zedd!!!!!! you know what????? your 2nd point exactly happen to me.. my boss has extended my probation for another 3 month just because he dont want to give quarterly bonus to me.. i think he also read your blog.. huhu..

HA! That praying mantis picture again! You must have it on your office wall to spur yourself on to greater greed... :P

Are you sure your employees' productivity won't decrease?

And are you sure you're not running a vacation plan company yourself? Those things sure do suck the life out of their customers...

Ayumi, I'm going to share my bonus with the mantis, since he's (?) the only one who managed to reflect my reason to live.

Slackers, tell me which company you work for. I would like to hire your boss to work for me.

Elly M, I don't need any mantis pics to spur my greed. Greed is my default value.

Decreasing productivity is a greater excuse for lower bonus. On the vacation plan? ...(you guessed it right).

Congrats for the great Blog you have here :)
I'll be back more often my friend.

See whether I can apply all this at my company...I feel weird and at the same time keep wondering, how creative Zedd in creating such HR Policy without making staff realize that they are all the pray of the Mantis...fiuh!

Zedd,

Are you the one who creat such HR policy for the 'sake' of my company?

www.malienz.blogspot.com

Mauro, thanks for your compliment. I'm blushing--->

MrsBean, employees can always be subdued by empty promises.

@lienz, welcome to planet Earth. I am the master of consultancy services in this planet. Of course your company use mine.

i've checking on ur blog once a week(or more)since my 1st visit(and the critics,of course)without me realizing it.2 thumbs up 4 the writing! ur my 'rockstar' now.(err... i mean in ur writing not ur bass playing)

Guys? ahhmm! i think bonuses are based on how long you have work to your company.

Dime, thanx for your compliments. Even you can't see any differences-->
believe me, I'm blushing..

Public Records..you're partly correct..

Bonuses= length of work X how often you praise your boss to the skies

cant wait to leave the student life and start working. wanna feel wat the feeling of getting paid for the work i do.

u really hav great info here!

reverse phone search

That, was a really nice one, especially the picture at the end, its something will never forget, lol. Cheers

hey i think this is the problem which occurs in every company and this must be sorted out.

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