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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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How To Secure Your Job

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Citigroup last month announced one of the biggest layoff ever recorded- slashing 52,000 jobs. With a total of 220,000 people stopped receiving their paychecks from the financial sector alone, everyone working in banks, insurers and investment/trading institutions is now vulnerable.

how-to-secure-your-job

If you think you’re in a different sector and you’re now safe, it’s safe to conclude that you’re not. The job cuts in the financial sector is not even half of the total 1 million layoffs made this year- so basically whatever sector you’re in, you’re in the hot soup. And we’re all aware that this is no chicken soup.

Frightening, I know. But don’t go berserk. Here are some Black Zedd’s tips to secure your job:

  1. Steal your company’s money and hide them

    You have a greater advantage if you work in the accounts’ department. Make sure you can divert a huge stash of the money and hide it somewhere in the Cayman Island. Tell your employer that retrenching you will cost more now.
  2. Print a fake offer letter from your competitor

    And convince your boss that every other ailing competitors see you as a savior. It will make them rethink any decision to let you go.
  3. Report you boss’ wrongdoings

    There’s lots of things you can report to lots of parties. Your boss arrived late in the office, he’s having an affair, he’s incompetent, he skipped a meeting for no reason..well, nobody is perfect.

    Just pick a crime and report them to any of the following authority: the CEO, BOD, the shareholders, the labor union, the industry’s watchdog, the labor office or the press.

    Or let’s be safe. Report everything to all of them. Hopefully he’ll be out of job before suggesting your name first.
  4. Hire a hacker to erase employees data

    Offer rewards to those who can hack into you company’s database and erase all employee data. This should leave your employers clueless about who to retrench, and will give you more time to ‘reset’ your reputation and work your ass off.
  5. Kidnap a member of the HR director’s family for a ransom

    There’s no guessing what you’ll ask in exchange: your unconditional employment for the next [insert number] years.
  6. Get involved in a car accident

    And thank heaven for the various discrimination policies that’ll prevent you from being fired while sick (check with your state laws first). This is only useful for smaller companies which will not let you go for the sake of ‘restructuring’. See here.
  7. Get arrested and remanded

    ..for a crime you didn’t commit. Conspire with your neighbor, for example, to launch an anonymous fake report about you doing something unlawful.

    Pick a crime that will take ages to investigate. If your company tries to let you go, cry foul of discrimination. By the time you’re out of the lockups, hopefully the dust has settled and your job is safe. Even if you’re laid off for getting arrested, you can sue them, with cost, for punishing you based on a crime you didn’t commit, tarnishing your good name and causing mental anguish. Retirement fund. Yay.



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20 comments:

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Lol, you have got a great sense of humour. Are these things to do to secure my job or its the preparation to get sacked as soon as possible. You write really well. Cheers!

Its funny even in these tough times. Just read that in NOv alone there were more than half million job loss.

Veru funny post, especially in this crisis perioad;))) Thanks for sharing!

In these economic times, you gotta get unique ;)

Very creative... These would be good to work into a movie.

I have no problems saying you a "savior" because you are giving clues to our employees, LOL. Perhaps I need one of them immediately.

There was me thinking do my job well would be enough,will start on your ideas as far easier

citigroup sucks, they get bailed out, lay off a ton of people and raise everyones credit card interest rates even for those with perfect credit

nobody is safe any where with any job. I know people with 10 yrs plus being laid off. Even the politicians aren't safe including the President.

LOL.. this is hilarious... Your ideas are way up there... If this goes to the movie, I'd definitely watch..

I can't help but laugh. But yes I agree this is the smartest way to do it, unless of course you have the guts to do so. How long did it take for you to write this? hehehe But i have to admit, it is unqiue.

Interesting ideas! hmmm might just try one of those one day. LOL. thanks for sharing. Continue to make everyone smile (or laugh, for that matter!)

well, you just mentioned few of the very useful tricks to save my job. not sure i am gonna try all of those but surely i will go for few.thanks a lot.

In these economic times, you gotta get unique ;)

Lol.. Really u r having a wonderful sense of hum our better u go and write a screenplay for Hollywood movies..thanks for sharing this..

You are golden if you are able to secure your job, thats a skill alot of people want these days.

lolz! one more thing to do...start staring your boss whenever he comes and leaves from the office.

Thats very creative indeed :)

The sad thing is that there doesnt seem to be any sign to the job losses letting up. Still the post is very funny.

It is funny you have a good sense of humour

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