How To Secure Your Job

Citigroup last month announced one of the biggest layoff ever recorded- slashing 52,000 jobs. With a total of 220,000 people stopped receiving their paychecks from the financial sector alone, everyone working in banks, insurers and investment/trading institutions is now vulnerable.

If you think you’re in a different sector and you’re now safe, it’s safe to conclude that you’re not. The job cuts in the financial sector is not even half of the total 1 million layoffs made this year- so basically whatever sector you’re in, you’re in the hot soup. And we’re all aware that this is no chicken soup.

Frightening, I know. But don’t go berserk. Here are some Black Zedd’s tips to secure your job:

1. Steal your company’s money and hide them

   You have a greater advantage if you work in the accounts’ department. Make sure you can divert a huge stash of the money and hide it somewhere in the Cayman Island. Tell your employer that retrenching you will cost more now.

2. Print a fake offer letter from your competitor

   And convince your boss that every other ailing competitors see you as a savior. It will make them rethink any decision to let you go.

3. Report you boss’ wrongdoings

   There’s lots of things you can report to lots of parties. Your boss arrived late in the office, he’s having an affair, he’s incompetent, he skipped a meeting for no reason..well, nobody is perfect.

   Just pick a crime and report them to any of the following authority: the CEO, BOD, the shareholders, the labor union, the industry’s watchdog, the labor office or the press.

   Or let’s be safe. Report everything to all of them. Hopefully he’ll be out of job before suggesting your name first.

4. Hire a hacker to erase employees data

   Offer rewards to those who can hack into you company’s database and erase all employee data. This should leave your employers clueless about who to retrench, and will give you more time to ‘reset’ your reputation and work your ass off.

5. Kidnap a member of the HR director’s family for a ransom

   There’s no guessing what you’ll ask in exchange: your unconditional employment for the next [insert number] years.

6. Get involved in a car accident

   And thank heaven for the various discrimination policies that’ll prevent you from being fired while sick (check with your state laws first). This is only useful for smaller companies which will not let you go for the sake of ‘restructuring’. See here.

7. Get arrested and remanded

   ..for a crime you didn’t commit. Conspire with your neighbor, for example, to launch an anonymous fake report about you doing something unlawful.

   Pick a crime that will take ages to investigate. If your company tries to let you go, cry foul of discrimination. By the time you’re out of the lockups, hopefully the dust has settled and your job is safe. Even if you’re laid off for getting arrested, you can sue them, with cost, for punishing you based on a crime you didn’t commit, tarnishing your good name and causing mental anguish. Retirement fund. Yay.

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