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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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How To Handle Complaints

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Customer complaints are annoying and irritating. If you're on the supply side of doing business, complaints are like your staple food. Here's some of responses I recommend for you guys facing the wrath of customers:

Blame other department.

Blaming other division of your business is good. It projects the image that you're the competent star among your company's pool of slackers. "If I'm the one assembling this product for you, I'll make sure you're smiling to your ears".

"Sorry this happens to you, I'll give them a good shove in the butt so they'll remember this mistake" It'll give them a better peace of mind. A fake one.

Blame the top management.

This is a different trick from above, where you project yourself as a sorry victim of your company's ruthless management.

"We've told them this feature will be disastrous, but they won't listen. At the end of the day, we're just a wimp trying to make a living here". Sympathy will soften their anger a bit.

Blame the uniqueness of the case.

"I say, we've never encountered this situation before. Yours is very unique. We need more time to rectify this." will actually make the complainer feel more exclusive, as if the whole company is now working hard just for his lone whining. May even result to higher satisfaction.

Blame own inexperience.

This is an old classic. "I'm sorry, I am new here." Of course they'll blame your company for fielding such noob in the line, but hey. As long as you're safe, it's all right. Right?

Blame the customer.

This is a perfect mirror. It deflects the ray back to them. "Sir, with all due respect, we think you've done something that jeopardized the product". Of course they'll be more defensive than ever, but your company is the one producing those product/services, you should know better about them.

Create something that's even remotely possible, get some ideas by interviewing the complainer. There's always common mistakes around. Use them. Like how auto insurance companies use in the case of a theft.

"If you sleep in your car, this wouldn't happen. This is negligence on your part. Your fault."

Blame humanity.

And quit your job. Because there's bozos who just like to complain, even for trivial things. Things that can be solved if they take half a second and think.

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The last point is the worse..hehehe..

But I think to blame the customers is the best tip!!Creative too.Will be interesting way..trust me!

Those are some pretty nice and real life tips for handling complaints!

Mrs. Bean, blame customer back until it diminishes their self-esteem, so they'll no longer complain.

MarketingDeviant, thanks. Real life tips indeed..

sangat tak suka org yg komplen byk2. nak komplen tu boleh, tapi pada2 lah kan. huhu. emo lak :p

I think its your right to complain to customer. Thanks for share all very nice tips. So keep it up.

I blame you to write such a nice blaming post. ROFL! I can't forget this post for many months.

Diya, it's their right to complain.

Ground Info, it's our right to complain.

New Age, it's everyone right to blame other people when people complain. It'll lead to more complain, blaming, and eventually, consultants like me are getting richer.

I like the Apple Complaint Department. Perhaps it is the best company, best department, and best representative ever.
I shall be following him.

hehe, nice tips! The blaming of other department is very funny! This made me laugh since i often do it. Thanks for sharing mate! Nice style of writing!

Although this is a reality but we shouldn't practice it in real life. If we are honest with our job then we can handle it in an honest way. I love all your funny points though.

These are classic tips you suggested mate. But i like all of them how to handle complaints. Thanks for sharing with us this wonderful article.

Before i did not know how to handle complaints but not now. Thanks

I have learned a lot of stuff on this site. You always teach other in a funny way which is excellent thing.

I hope you are not in any customer facing department :-)

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