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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
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15 Tips For Your First Day At Work

Thursday, August 14, 2008

If you're facing your first day at a new workplace, follow these tips closely to spring your career potential full steam.

1. Arrive on-time (not earlier)
And explain to your new colleagues: "People who come in early does not understand what sharp and punctual mean" What a great first impression it will leave.

2. Bring some documents from home
And slip in some magazines to read. First half of the day will be boring because they just don't know what task to assign you. They'll torture you with employees handbook and other propaganda material.

3. Don't tell people you're excited with the new job
It will cheapen your value. They should feel excited having you.

4. Don't remember names
It's just not cool. See above.

5. Identify the key characters
There will always the loved (the diligent employees) and the despised (infringed lazy bastards) seniors. Stick with the latter to make yourself feel better.

6. Don't get optimistic
If you're seeing professionalism among your new peers, remember they can't act that well for more than a day.

7. Don't do follow-ups with the admins and IT personnel
Because the sooner you get the access card/workstation/stationaries/passwords, the earlier you have to start working.

8. Don't jump the gun trying to impress people
...with your talent and capabilities. Remember, the less capable they perceive you, the less work they'll assign you. You got the job already right?

9. Don't ask questions

The more you know, the less excuse you have to defend yourself once you make mistakes. Remember, it's not a question of 'if', it's 'once'.

10. Skim your boss' room
And identify his interests and achievements. That way you know which subject you can complement and praise him in your quest as an ultimate ass-kisser.

11. Show signs of poverty
Don't flaunt your wealth, convince them you're a poor guy to avoid treating your colleagues to lunch once you claim your first month's paycheck.

12. Identify other fellow newbies
And own them. It'll be handy when you go to the induction class/course - for covering your absenteeism.

13. Don't leave your desk too often
Or your seniors might steal your shiny new office equipment/furniture/supplies out of envy.

14. Check internet connectivity
Because you may not read this blog if your new company restricts internet connection. If that happens, remember iBypass. Or read this blog through your email here.

15. Leave on time. (Not later)
Trust me, it's the only day you can go back on time.

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Dear Zedd,

Where were you when I started working?

I could have saved myself a whole lot of trouble if your advice came, say a decade earlier.


You know what, I admit the last one. I have practice the no.11.I love no.14!!(Could not miss your entry!).I do follow no.9.

You know what? It works!

Avatar, you have to blame Blogger.com for not existing a decade ago..

Mrs.Bean, of course it works. I'm filthy rich because of those tricks.

very funny, I enjoyed it and will be back to read more, (you know how it is surfing at work, gotta pick your spots)

Patrick, the best spot would be using your boss' computer. He'll never see it coming. Never.

Great tips to survive in the workplace! :D

hehe. thanks for the tips ye zedd. yg nombor 2 tu for sure diya akan ikut. ekeke

"Don't tell people you're excited with the new job", Although all posts here are very helpful and informative but this one is great, I like above mentioned tip because that is the biggest thing to disgrace yourself.

yeah these are some good tips, i would just add to take your time and don't expect everyone to be your best friend immediately. Good relationships take time to develop.

MarketingDeviant, thanks.

Diya, either that or bring a PSP or Gameboy..

Peter, great one. Don't be too eager to befriend others.

love this post. i m starting my job soon. inflation is killing us now. i keep submitting my resumes to head hunters.......

These are some of best tips which we should follow on the very first day in a new office and I have been practicing since many years. Some of them are very new to me, they are very simple though.

Its impress me a lot. Thanks for sharing this post.

It will be my second week tomorrow working. I think a disobeyed some of your tips..... Now I know.... i hope I am not late to implement these. Anyway thank you so much. I am sure they will be effective.

Linda, good luck.

Tom, good for you.

Twister, my goodness. Of course you're not too late. There's always an advice from for every stage of your career.

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Nice tips for a new work place!
I have missed few of the tips!
Any way,thanks for sharing with us!

hey .. these are some excellent tips for anyone starting on a job. thanks for sharing this wonderful post.

what the

Thanks for sharing Nice tips. These tips are helpful for need promotion from the company.

Mostly this is healthful but I disagree with 9. because it is very important to ask questions in order to show your interest and eagerness to work 7. because the sooner you start the sooner you will be learn about your job, and 4 because it is imperative to remember names in order to address people the proper way and show that you were paying attention.

these are some of the worst tips ever!

for example item 4 - "don't remember names its just not cool."

wtf??? you will look like a douche if you can't remember your colleagues names. they will think you are either a moron or are rude.

It's satire you nimrods.

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