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Basic Literature is a corporate satire blog, updated with satirical and humorous commentary on the corporate world, including career advice, management tips, business strategies and marketing tactics.
a satirical blog about our corporate world

10 Myths About The Management (Part 1)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Working at the end (or almost) of the managerial hierarchy might leave you cursing your top superiors more than your total aggregate compliments made to everyone in your whole life.

But behind those anger and dismay, are those stigmas about the management really true? I will share with you the top 10 myths about the top management personnel, based on the buzz around our corporate culture.

Myth #1: Management will cut your pay to increase theirs.

Management will find each and every microscopic cost that they can possibly and impossibly reduce from their lower level employees' financial perks. Your monthly pay, annual raise, overtime claims, travel allowance, dental coverage, and even your allocations for post-it notes.

Why? By reducing his or her division's or department's cost, it will positively reflect their commitments towards the company's 'efficiency'.

This in turn is hoped to delight the company directors, which subsequently will raise the management salary for a job well done. "Indispensable!", to the director's delight. The myth is generally popular on Human Resource directors and managers.

The Truth : As per myth. Especially the last part.

Myth #2: Managers will shift the blame on their failures to their subordinates.

If their decisions are frowned upon by the directors, they will quickly point their smoking gun to you. "You made me look like a fool in front of our directors!" or "You should've stay back to finish your work you hoodwink!" and even "My failure reflects your incompetence as my team member"

The Truth: As per myth. Especially during meetings with other departments.

Myth #3: Managers will claim all your intelligence and hard work as theirs.

In the event of success, all your workaholic attitude and gifted assets will be claimed as their sole property in front of the directors. "I stayed late last night just to deliver my best for this report." They may even proceed to discrediting your effort, mentioning their tireless lectures and continuous monitoring on your attitude.

The truth: As per myth. Creative commons doesn't work here.

Myth #4: Managers can always come late, but not you.

As no other managers can directly monitor his or her behavior, managers can always dash in and out of the office freely. They always have 'concrete' excuses, although similar as yours, but with a better exaggeration - enough to form an actual concrete slab.

"I woke up late this morning because my sons were too noisy watching the F.A cup final last night. I couldn't sleep, so I joined them. You know kids nowadays...you have to find the way into their heart. That was reverse psychology, hopefully they'll understand. We leaders, we must think differently. Someday when you're in my position, you'll be thankful for my advice. My wife was initially confused with blah...blah...blah... (on to other unrelated but cheerful topics)."

The truth: As per myth. They exaggerate better than you do (try harder!).

Myth #5: Managers like flattering remarks.

If you've missed your deadline for a specific task or your morning punch-in, you can bloat your manager with over-hyped, outrageously-sentenced but carefully-crafted compliments which is beautifully transitioned from your initial excuse. Flattered managers always let you off the hook. And may even give you a raise.

The Truth: As per myth. Polish your polishing skill now.


(This is the first part of the 10 myths. Remaining post will be published in the not-so-near future.)

Related post:

Things to do to impress your boss when you don't deserve it
Quicker meetings please!
How to handle your raging boss

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Consumerisme Case Study: Shell V-Power

Monday, December 10, 2007

Businesses using outsourced consultant is like the clash of the titans. Both have the their own expertise (for the matter of this discussion) in their respective field.

The best part is, when we failed to outsmart each other, who loose? Give me your best answer:

(a) Business Owners (or managers)

(b) Marketing Consultant (ehem, me)

Hard to conclude, isn't it? Anybody who answered (a), you're on my side. But unfortunately, you're wrong.

Anybody who answered (b), I can see you don't like an honest person like me..but Im sorry, you're also wrong.

Confused? Don't be. That's because I hid the third answer:

(c) Stupid consumers

And I'm so sorry, it's the only correct answer. Since no one managed to answer my question (it's not that hard, ain't?), I will give you some examples WHY YOU WILL NEVER WIN against the partnership of businesses+consultants:

Case Study: Shell Fuel


Shell: Has overspent their money on Formula 1 racing and the useless (and slightly higher-priced) V-Power petrol, but could not generate enough sales to cover their investment.

Marketing Consultant: Need high-priced consulting job to rip more profit.

Solutions: An expensive TV advertisement using their F1 cars for their car fuel product.


Sales has been increasing because hallucinated consumers think their car can perform better because:

"My fuel runs an F1 car"

Duh. Your cheap mobile doesn't have any resemblance to the F1 car, let alone the need for engine stress tolerance and the extreme temperature endurance.

"If it can protect an F1 car, it surely can protect mine".

Haven't you heard of the word "OPTIMUM"? Why pay something silly when a decent cheaper priced petrol could do the job? Oh yes.

Because you've been duped!

You always been duped. By the clever consultant (like me) and the not-so-clever companies!

I always love my business customers and the end consumers. Both willing to pay for craps, and I'm always the one laughing my @55 to the bank.

Why My Bonus Is More Than Yours

Friday, December 7, 2007

We're approaching the end of the year. For most (some?) of you workaholics out there, you know it's high-time for your bonus pay-outs. So, how many month do you get? Happy?

I'm not happy for sure. Because I'm the owner of my company. I've to fork out my prospective earnings just to make sure my employees, like you, are "motivated" or feel "appreciated".

And I have to cut my slice of the cake just so you can pay for those rip off 'car insurance' policy renewal or those 'vacation club' fees that you've been duped into not a while ago.

So to ensure I'm able to purchase my ridiculously extravagant yatch next year, I'm going to revamp the whole Human Resource policy so that I'm not in the losing end when bonus payouts arrive.

Here's my modified HR policy:

  • As annual bonus are paid in the basic salary multiplier, all basic salary will be reduced to RM10 and the balance will be represented in unexplainable allowances.
  • For those employees who's probation is ending before the bonus payment, I'll extend them on the ground of "poor performance".
  • I'm offering the "Employee of the Year" award to a manager with the lowest bonus recommendation to their subordinates.
  • All new recruitment will be employed on contract-basis, renewable every year. These contract staffs are therefore, not eligible for bonus payouts.
  • The department with more practical students than full-time employees will get more budget allocation the next year. Practical trainee don't get bonuses.
  • Any medical leave or emergency leave will void their eligibility to get bonus.
  • All bonuses will be paid in company share, and not convertible to cash for at least 3 decades.

Now I can reduce my bonus expenses without jeopardizing the quality of my workforce. After all, I can still offer 20 months bonus incentive as a bait.

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True Definitions of Corporate Jargons

Monday, December 3, 2007

To join the bandwagon of successful corporate figures, I've decided to write a book5hit. Yes, it's bull5hits in a book format.

So, I'm providing an exclusive snippets of the soon-to- become best-seller to you. It's called Understanding Corporate Jargon.

You see, there are terms that you must familiarize with to successfully navigate your career ladder.

These jargons may be casual for some serious corporate bigwigs, but nevertheless people with small corporate and business background may find it difficult to comprehend.

And so, I write this book to define those jargons for you to understand easier. Here are some preview from my book:

Global company
A local company who lay-off its local staffs and move to China for lower production cost.

Mergers & Acquisition
The purchase or voluntary combination with other companies to lay-off staffs.

The act of reducing employed workforce to shove more money into it's shareholder's a55.

The profitability study of a certain decision in order to disapprove the decision.

Prudent Accounting
The practice of better accounting transparency to reduce the suspicion on the director's fraud.

Corporate Philanthropy
The act of presenting toilet door-sized mock cheques to social organizations in order to compensate the obvious company wrong-doings.

Independent Director
A non-shareholder director who is appointed to become a puppet of majority shareholders.

Risk Management
A practice conducted to cover the company's cheap-a55 policy.

An internal disgruntled staff who reports the company's managerial fraud after failing to blackmail the conspirator for money.

Unwillingly doing 10 person's job to give credit to the Human Resource manager for a successful cost reduction

Job Promotion
A progress in one's career as a result of consistently praising the boss to the skies for his every stupid decision.

An act of using company's time and computer to read this blog.

The act of resigning from your steady job to have more time to read this blog

The act of denial from you based on my above definition

Finally agreeing with my point and write the resignation letter to protest against these 5hits you're getting everyday from your company.


If you like what you just read, the full version will be available in the market. Interested? Drop me your info so I can inform you the publication date, which is after I can finally get some time to finish this book5hit.

Which is, of course, never.

Related Posts:

Understanding Business Contract

Help Me! (Some charges apply)
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