How to Handle Your Raging Boss

There's no such thing as a perfect employee.

Not in you, that's for sure.

Mistakes happen. Your boss snaps. And you're straight in his cross hair. Your eyes linger around for excuses to escape the imminent lecture. But you're cornered this time. There's no escape. You're going to be lambasted by your ever-raging boss.

Well, if this happens to you next time, you're going to get lucky. Because today I will explain how to handle this situation - to reduce the fury of your boss. So spare some time and follow the step-by-step guide as follows:

CURRENT BOSS TEMPER METER: 10/10

Admit everything your boss said.

Don't fight fire with fire. Admit everything your boss is blaming you for. When he said "You messed up everything", you should respond with "I messed up everything". If he goes "I never have staff like you", reply "You never have staff like me". The lack of opposing views will definitely chill your boss a little.

CURRENT BOSS TEMPER METER: 8/10

Find vague excuses.

When he's a lil' bit chilled, think of something common as an excuse. The IT department is a good start. In sentencing your excuse, don't be too comprehendible like:

"The technician could not fix my e-mail software"

Exaggerate the problem like this:

"The technician could not fix my internet communication collaboration tool"

Or replace everything with technically-lurid words:

"The IT technical representative could not troubleshootize the interactive Simple Mail Transfer Protocol"

Your boss' ego will never permit him to ask you what exactly does those terms mean, therefore making him agreeing with your plight and reducing further tension.

CURRENT BOSS TEMPER METER: 5/10

Give promising promises.

Don't forget to sentence it beautifully. "As a committed member of your team, I will make sure this tragedy will never happen again". Extend your promise to include "either by me or any other team member in our department" and also add something like "I've learned from my grievous mistake and would not let my children to perish by the same deplorable error like mine"

Your obvious remorse will surely get him to cool off. With promise so promising like that, he'll definitely call it even and ready to let you go.

CURRENT BOSS TEMPER METER: 2/10

Now everything is going in the right direction. Your boss start smiling, although a bit pale, but still, smiling. He pat you in your back, giving valuable advise for your career. This is when you should initiate the final step to finish off his wrath. Do this:

Hope for a stuck throat.

CURRENT BOSS TEMPER METER: 0/10 (he won't mess with you again, definitely!)


There you go. Continue your blog surfing, do not worry about being caught by your boss. Because you know how to handle them now. Effectively.


This post is created as a response towards a reader's request. Get your solutions here. Ask me anything.



Related post:
How to fix your office's copier machine

Things to do to impress your boss

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Quicker Meetings Please!

The other day I was invited to witness a meeting with the Gobloc Insulting suppliers (yes, we also sell useless products - successfully). As usual, the meeting started late, constantly went astray from the key topics and finished late in the evening. I was infuriated, I had to miss my favorite soap opera!

As numerous distributors constantly fielded irrelevant questions during the gibberish meeting, I took some notes on how to improve the efficiency of such discussion.

I was lucky, the next day I was supposed to chair another meeting with our distributors, scheduled in the afternoon with lunch.

The morning prior to the meeting, I quickly summoned my Product Manager to brief him on my demands for the meeting. Here is the excerpt from our conversation:

Me: Who's not coming?
Product Manager (PM): Mr. Darren from XXX Inc.

Me: Good. Minus 1 moron for the meeting. Who's supposed to take notes?
PM: My secretary. She's up and ready.

Me: Remove her. She's consuming our oxygen, it'll make us sleepy. Haven't you heard of Voice Recorder?? It consumes less.
PM: Er..understood boss.

Me: Where will the meeting take place?
PM: In our main meeting chamber, level 4.

Me: Make it in our lobby. Shave some time for those 1d1ots to come up.
PM: But boss...we've already decorated the room!

Me: Save it for my next birthday party.
PM: Ok then..I'll arrange the boys to transfer those table and chairs.
Me: What table? What chair? We'll have the meeting standing. They'll surely want the meeting to finish early. Are the powerpoint slides ready?

PM: Yes boss! I stayed up all night to finish it.
Me: Good. Scrap them. Watching consumes more time than just listening alone.

PM: I assume they'll take notes then? Coz we have the complimentary notepads ready.
Me: So that they can draw pictures? Nonsense. No notes. What's for lunch?

PM: Buffet rice and some desserts.
Me: Give them to our staffs. No meals for the meeting. How long is the Q&A session?

PM: I think where this is heading, I'll reduce it to 15 minutes.
Me: You're a quick learner. No Q&A. Tell them to ask our executives later. They're more knowledgeable.

PM: So that will just leave us with our presentations?
Me: Wait..what presentations?

PM: Our new product features update.
Me: Send them the marketing kits. How frequently we have this meeting?

PM: About once a month?
Me: Darn. Then we'll meet them next month. Or make it next year.

PM: So the meeting's canceled???
Me: You bet. Any thought?

PM: I think this will effect our communication flow with them!
Me: Very well. You're fired. Clear your room now. This time don't leave your brain behind.

***

I managed to spare some crucial time for the soap opera. As I believe, meetings are for socially unsecured nerds.

Silent please. The meeting is underway.

Related Post: Being lazy is not that bad

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What About Me?

When I went to other blogs to irritate them, I stumbled upon a lot of blogs that write blogging tips. One of the unique guide I found out is How To Write The 'About Me' Page.

Hell...I don't even have that page, so as an appreciation to the generous time spent by the author to write the freaking useful tip, I'm gonna start one. Allow me to pluck his recommendation here:

1. write about who you are…
2. your expertise and how it addresses…
3. their problem or goal, and how they can…
4. contact you

Among other important tips from other unrelated blogs:

1. Be specific of who you are with facts and figures
2. People will come back to your blog if they know you well
3. Publish your own picture
4. Anonymous blogger is a traffic killer

Noted. So I sat down, went through every detail above and slowly crafting my "About Me" page. I made sure everything is as per guide above. Finally, I am proudly presenting...About Me:

About Me

Hi. My name is Black Zedd. This is how I look like:

I am a Chief Executive Officer of a marketing consulting company called Gobloc Insulting.

I have a Degree in Deceptive Marketing, and am currently doing my Master in Consumer Manipulation. My company is mainly engaged with stupefied clients providing false hope backed by strong trickery analytics. We believe in a win-win situation, whereby both my company and my company win.



I believe in full utilization of working hours, therefore I write this blog only when I'm working. I am filthy rich, and count cars as my favourite toy. I have several Ferraris in my mansion including a couple which I stole from an unsuspecting client (I told them it's for a focus group study).

I have troubles matching my cars with their keys

In this blog, I'll tell you why you as a consumer and an employee should waste your time reading it. If you're offended by the content of this blog, I can't be happier. If you're not drunk, you should know how to contact me.

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How to Discipline Your Subordinates

I know some of you work in those upper tier of management. Congratulations. You have everything one can wish for in their carrier life. You have walls in your office, your own long-suffering secretary, a stupid but otherwise stylish voice-command telephone. Some of you even have 5-digits income. I know, the digits might be reduced to 3 have you been caught by the Inland Revenue taxman. But hey, nice job.

So you should understand by now that being up there means taking care of people down there. Yes, your subordinates. Are there any bad apples? Dumb perhaps? Or maybe disobedient? Anywhere you work, I bet these type of people are around. I understand, you tried everything. Reducing their raise, cutting their allowance, scolding and humiliating them in front of their other colleagues, and even the useless "tell me if you have personal problems...I'm your friend, you can trust me.." kind of reverse psychology.

Well, those ain't gonna work my friend. Professional relationship has been challenging in this world of Blackberry. The way we communicate has changed. So does the way we humiliate. Or motivate. Even more importantly, we have to change the way we castigate. So today I'm going to share with you my best way to discipline your subordinates. It is illustrated in it's clearest form in the vid below:

Do it often to the staff you chose. Watch how your respect level rise to the one unimaginable before. Be the jack@ss you've been dreaming of.

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Author: Blog Glitch

Author:

Some readers are complaining they can't post comments. I'm doing my best to rectify this problem by only hoping for the best. Beggars can't be choosers. This is a free hosting site so rest assured my complaints will be entertained with zero attention. Hopefully Blogger.com will cut the crap and restore the service ASAP.

We're also having some problems displaying the page in Internet Explorer, as some of the postings are missing and misaligned with its headers. Must be related to some CSS adjustments I made yesterday to "enhance my readers experience"- a cliche I borrowed from Customer Service's rubbish. Try using Firefox for a better display.

I'll make necessary adjustments. Hang on to my promise as you would on your useless telecom service provider's.

Update:

Now everything is missing if you view using Internet Explorer. I'm taking this as "A Challenge to My Creativity"- crap I borrowed from executive coaching consultants.

Update:

"Service has been restored to normal condition. Thank you for your patience." -rubbish I borrowed from your lousy TV stations.

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Let's Say It: WE LOVE MAYBANK!!!

The biggest bank in Malaysia is getting bigger!! How could you not love it? They have overseas presence like no other local bank, ATM machines everywhere, wide-spread popularity of its internet banking and a proud and brave tiger as its symbol. I have FANTASTIC experience with the bank, and day after day, such love for the bank is growing stronger! Below I would like to share with you why I LOVE MAYBANK!!:

Maybank loves your hometown

You can only open up savings account in your hometown (according to your registered MyKad address). Don't get them wrong, they just want you to love and contribute to your hometown. If you're residing in Kangar, and your hometown is in Kudat (Sabah), Go For It! They care for you very much that they don't want you to be like "Kacang Lupakan Kulit" or "Lupa Daratan". Even though they have one of the most advanced banking technology in this country, they still want you to go through this inconvenience- because they love you! And your hometown!

Maybank protects your life

The Shah Alam branch once asked my dear friend to enroll under their takaful insurance scheme if she wants to open-up her savings account there. The great thing is, it's compulsary and she has to pay like RM30 monthly or go find another bank. Maybank displayed what other banks failed- they really care about your life! That's why even though they know you'll disagree, they managed to work out something to force you to pay for the insurance. It shows how great the respect they have for your safety and well-being!

Maybank protects you from outrage

The bank industry is one of the stressful job for now as it is very competitive. Maybank realizes that its employees' stress is inevitable, so they protect you from the potential spillover effect. They forbid its branch staff from talking to you! That's why you were repeatedly ignored by the staff when you're dealing with them. And when you call it's helpline, you'll speak with machines for hours! Machines can't insult you like stressful people can. You see? That's how Maybank shows their love for you- by protecting you from the potential human outrage!

Maybank does your charity

They're very concern with your stingy lifestyle, so they figured a way to do some charity for you. That's why they're charging you for everything that they practically can. Remember those days during the over-the-counter fee? They said they're charging for the counter transaction to encourage you to use the ATM and on-line banking. Well, those services are charged as well! You pay for ATM cash widrawals exceeding 4 time in a single month, and now I heard they're charging RM12 for Maybank2U! Your money isn't going to their employee, because I heard the pay 5ucks! So, it must be their thousands of shareholders! Maybank loves you, they make sure your charity is widespread!

Join me! Let's poach the company because WE LOVE Maybank!!!

Click here to see hundreds more Maybank lovers!

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Being Lazy Is Not That Bad

People talk about productivity. Being effective. Becoming enterprising, dynamic, energetic, exuberant, lively. Blah blah blah. Every way you'll see people lecturing about these over-hyped terms. There's even a seminar now around KL on the infamous 7 habits of highly effective people. Well, I find these people as:

As a response towards the 7 habits, I would like to enlighten you on the 5 Blessings of Being Lazy.

1. Lazy people always discover shortcuts

Come'on.. Do you think you stumbled upon CTRL+V while purposely reading the manual book? Or using the shorter trip home because "I don't like to waste money on petrol"? Lazy people always discouraged by bureaucracy and standard operating procedures. So they tend to find some work-around for a certain task. And the fact that they're too lazy to face the consequence, they even find ways to do it legally.

2. Lazy people sprung off new inventions

Telephone was never invented for 'discovery of communication evolution'. In fact, communication evolves because of our sluggishness. Remote controls because of our lethargic @55 reluctant to split with our sofa. Bluetooth^TM because "Why do we have to always point the sensors?" laziness with infrareds. Internet banking because we're too lazy to queue. i-pods because "the discman is too heavy".. Optical mouse because we're not that keen to clean the balls. Audiobooks??? Yeah, right. And..have you ever seen the 'revolutionary' Segway?

3. Lazy people buoys the service sector

With lazy people, companies find it increasingly difficult to motivate and inspire them. That's why training consultants are hired. Motivational camps are on the rise. And with lazy people constantly looking for medical leave (MC), clinics flourish. These people are often fired, so employment agencies are sought to do a better job in sourcing human capital. Heck, we're too lazy to keep our floor clean, that's why cleaning contractors exist!

4. Lazy people brings balance to the social hierarchy

What is right? When there is left. Who is hardworking? When there are lazy people. Lazy people is a relative reference to judge who is diligent. So they must exists so that management can offer promotion to the hardworking employees. Imagine all people works at the same rate, comes to the office at the same time, finish their work on schedule..Hard is it to find who deserves promotion?

5. Lazy people encourages thinking

I'm too lazy to think the fifth blessing, so why don't you figure out yourself.

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Help Me! (some charges apply)

What's wrong with that? Yes, I'm in dire need for help. But I'm gonna apply some charges for you to help me. Yes, if you agree to help me, you have to pay me.


Why not? You have been doing it for a while now. Don't discriminate me. Remember when those Akademi Fantasia, Malaysian Idols and some other reality sh1ts going around the tube? You were willing to pay RM0.50-RM1 just to help them choose their winner. And you even do it every week, especially during those finals, when some of you spend hundreds just to respond to the outcries of the producers. "Viewers at home" they said.."Only you can decide their fate. Vote now".

You're so sympathetic to their cause that you're even willing to solicit more help from your brothers and sisters, your father, mother and even your grampa in-law.

It's a good deed, what you've done. Remember TV3's Buletin Utama poll? When they're asking your help to boost their rating? They do public polling, so that more and more people watch the show to discover what Malaysian think. Not just you help them by voting, you're even willing to pay RM0.50!

Even the newscaster is in awe of your good deed.

Back to my problem. I need an opinion from you guys. I'm preparing a proposal for our government for the incoming general election. Each of malaysian citizen who wants to vote must pay RM100 to do so. The fee is reasonable since the outcome is far far far more important than "who will be the next Malaysian superstar?". And it can provide comendable figure to the government's coffers so that they can rethink of the imminent oil subsidy reduction. And best of all, I can reap some of the profit through my proposal fee.

So what do you think? Will it work? SMS me your answer. Each SMS will be charged RM1. Thank you for your help!

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New Low-Cost Airline!!

Welcome to Air Asiam. We are a new local low-cost airline company operating a no-frills concept. What make us different? Our no-frills concept means lower cost, which means we can pass on the benefit to you in the form of lower pricing! Check out our unbelievable price in our ads:

Yes! Negative pricing! We are an extremely low cost airline (as proven by the recyled ads above), so low that we can afford to offer negative price for you. This means if you purchase a one-way free ticket to Langkawi with us, WE PAY YOU RM0.99! How great is that?

There's no catch! Guaranteed! Checkout www.blackzedd.blogspot.com for on-line purchase. Sorry, we're so cheap that we can't afford to get our own website and hosting.

Terms And Condition

1. Stated price in our promotional material is for promotional purpose only.
2. Low fares are limited to our delusional early-birds passenger only.
3. By agreeing to use our no-frills service, you're acknowledging there's no frills whatsoever and accepted the fact that you'll be treated like a beggar living on social service.
3a. Disabled passengers are prohibited. It is a frill to provide support for them.
3c. No meals will be provided. It's a frill. No outside meals are allowed. It's a frill.
3d. Passengers who are late for check-in will be forfeited and fined 10 times the value of his ticket. The ability to negotiate is a frill.
3e. We will cancel and postpone your flight according to our own preferences. Your ability to schedule is a frill.
4. Complaints, requests, suggestions and inquiries are not permitted. These actions are a frill.
5. You will not sue us for any reason whatsoever. Your rights as consumer is a frill.
6. You admit you're a cheapskate and prepared to be treated accordingly.

That's It! Come and book your ticket now!!

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Stressed Out From Office Drama?

Office antiques have always been one of the prominent causes of job dissatisfaction. Why not, since we are people, we work, and we work with people. We have to make our work with people work. But sometimes the people we're working with are not working, instead, they work out something else which works well in our working environment: gossips, rumors, scandals, libel, slander, jealousy, resentment, scorn, dread and despise.

Sides are taken. Battles are fought. Jeering continues. And this is the actual stage of our working lives, and not those ugly cubicle with the big fat monitors (anyone?). I mean, when is the last time you heard - or heard somone mentioning -rumors on your MD's private life? "I heard his secret second wife is having a secret lover..." Stuffs like that. You have to be an angel or a deaf to not hearing these kind of conversations. Or you work alone in sewerage pipes. Then again, you can still hear those rumors echoing from the corporate quarters above.

I don't know about you guys, but generally we will feel a tickle of joy by participating in these type of conversations. But what if the malicious subject they're talking about is you? That's when you start straighten yourself up, whispering silently "Go the h3ll with them".

You mark the villain, clear your name and manage to get your respect back. But he or she (the villain) won't stop. They start all over again, and again, and again and again. These type of people really exist - you can't deny this. This is when you start complaining to your friends. You claim to experiencing stress. You turn out on your date sour-faced, cursing throughout your family dinner and read 'ask Thelma' more regularly. And maybe even refer to blogs like mine for advice. Well, if you're indeed, you're lucky. Because I have the perfect advice. It's so good, I even bet its the best, the most effective advice you 'll ever get:

GET A GRIP or GET LOST!!

Stop complaining. You have to realize, stress is almost non-existent if you subtract human factors. Most job stresses are 90% attributed towards the people we're working with, not our work. You don't get stress from staying back in the office to finish your work, but you get stress from unwillingly staying back to complete your work just to be in a good light with your boss. When you do something against your will, you'll stress out. And only people can make you work against your will.


Seriously, think about it. So what if your work is not finished? Don't mention about ''it's my duty to do the best for my company'' stuffs. It's not working. You're actually scared of being lambasted by your boss. That's why. It's the human factor. Here's some equation to make my point:

JOB = STRESS
STRESS = PEOPLE

therefore,

JOB=PEOPLE

Don't bother about other people too seriously. If you can't get a grip with those people, then you can't stand the job. Get lost and work somewhere else. Or you can start your own business alone, so the only probable people you will hate is definitely yourself.

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Things to Do to Impress Your Boss When You Don't Deserve It

Having a boss to impress but not the aptitude to do it? Then just fake it! Here are my tips for you lazy lads, as proven through my on-hand experience :-p

1. Work during lunchtime, lunch during worktime

Or you can come early and work first, then eat during work. Why? Bosses are only out of their room when they're arriving in the morning or leave for a break. This is the 'impression window', where you should display all your fake commitments towards your work. When they're in their room, you can then display your real commitment towards their doom.

2. Plan (imaginatively) your progress

When you sign in in the morning, always plan what you should do for the entire day. When your boss suddenly calls you, show him that you're prepared and committed to resolve your assignments for the day. Then you can proceed with your nap.

3. See your boss for pointers

Bosses dislike passive workforce. See them regularly, asking important pointers on your task and explaining your progress (see above if you don't have one). FIND SOMETHING TO ASK. It displays your willingness to develop. These should also give you some peace of mind to relax in your cubicle, saving you from his surprise lurch to your table for updates and questions.

4. Subscribe to relevant RSS feeds

If your office PC is connected to the internet, subscribe to the Really Simple Syndication (RSS) feeds from related websites in your industry. RSS feeds are updates (depends on the site) providing you with quick insight and summary on the latest information you need. Set My Yahoo! or iGoogle as your homepage, where you can put multiple feeds in a single page.

If you work in a tech company for example, you can subscribe to the RSS feeds from various tech blogs and news sites to stay connected with the latest development without the hassle of reading through the whole newspaper. Raise some of the points you noticed in the RSS in your department's meeting - and mesmerize others with your informative living!

Learn more about RSS. You can try subscribing to this blog here.

5. Always bring some sort of documents around

When you go around to other department for a little chat, don't forget your papers - any papers. Roll it and walk fast. It gives an impression that you're on a formal assignment. When you drop by your target's desk, put the papers on the desk and point at it in regular intervals while enjoying your irrelevant conversation.

6. Invite friends for Skype

If your office is using Skype, invite your friends and families (especially your girlfriend or boyfriend) to use the messaging tool. It's hassle free, and appears more professional. If downloads are not allowed in your company, Yahoo Mail (beta version) or GMail- they have a built-in chat ability to deceive your boss as if you're checking your email!

7. Always keep spradsheeds and word processors ready

Before you steal your company's time for your Facebook or EBay surfing, make sure your Excel (or any application software you use for WORK) is loaded and ready. DO NOT MINIMIZE THEM. It eases your cover-up in case of your boss makes a surprise attack.

8. Never Submit Your Assignments Early

If not, you'll be given new task, and there goes your on-line chatting session.

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